Corners of My Mind

Honey Bee

2011-06-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

I think I would cry if a guy serenaded me with this song...

"Honey Bee" ~ Blake Shelton

Girl I been thinkin’ ’bout us
And you know I ain’t good at this stuff
But these feelings piling up won’t give me no rest
This might come out a little crazy
A little sideways, yeah maybe
I don’t know how long it’ll take me
But I’ll do my best

If you’ll be my soft and sweet
I’ll be your strong and steady
You be my glass of wine
I’ll be your shot of whiskey
You be my sunny day
I’ll be your shade tree
You be my honeysuckle
I’ll be your honey bee

Yeah that came out a little country
But every word was right on the money
And I got you smilin’ honey right back at me
Now hold on ’cause I ain’t done
There’s more where that came from
Well you know I’m just havin’ fun
But seriously

If you’ll be my Louisiana
I’ll be your Mississippi
You be my little Loretta
I’ll be your Conway Twitty
You be my sugar baby
I’ll be your sweet iced tea
You be my honeysuckle
I’ll be your honey bee

Your kiss just said it all
I’m glad we had this talk
Nothin’ left to do but fall in each other’s arms
I could’ve said a “I love you”
Could’ve wrote you a line or two
Baby all I know to do
Is speak right from the heart

If you’ll be my soft and sweet
I’ll be your strong and steady
You be my glass of wine
I’ll be your shot of whiskey
You be my sunny day
I’ll be your shade tree
You be my honeysuckle
I’ll be your honey bee

If you’ll be my Louisiana
I’ll be your Mississippi
You be my little Loretta
I’ll be your Conway Twitty
You be my sugar baby
I’ll be your sweet iced tea
You be my honeysuckle
I’ll be your honey bee

2011-06-14T23:09:00.000-07:00

When I try to control the whirl of emotions in me, I internally shake. It's like an internal tornado. I hope it doesn't carve a path of debris and damage on my heart.

Week...I don't even know

2011-04-17T14:12:00.001-07:00

I fail at blogging hahaha I think and reflect quite a bit, but I just don't get around to blogging it or even journaling it for that matter. Only when I really need to thought vomit do I turn to the means of writing...

I have no one word for this week. It's just been a crazy one, one that's left me re-evaluating what I want, what I need, and what to do about things that seem to go against the grain of my wants and needs. On the one hand, perseverance builds character, and character gives birth to hope. But on the other hand, how long should I be patient? Am I hanging on to things that have reached their time to be let go? I don't know...

I am at a crossroads, and I'm not about to just continue and allow things to be just as they are. There is a difference between a person who's demanding too much and a person who simply wants their needs met.

Week 10

2011-03-11T11:53:00.000-08:00

Word for the week: Hope

I'm beginning to see light at the end of a dark tunnel, and though it seems a bit far away, I'm optimistic :D

EDIT -- 3/8/11

I realized something today as I received another rejection letter from grad schools : I am so blessed to have hope despite great disappointments, a hope that God's promises are true no matter what life throws our way or what Satan tries to deceive us of. He has promised to hear us when we call upon His name and pray, He has promised us of plans to prosper us and give us a future. Though I am disappointed, oh how much greater those disappointments would be if I did not have hope in God's promises :)

EDIT -- 3/11/11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, " plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. you will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13

Words cannot begin to describe the journey I've taken with God in the past 48 hours...He is faithful, He is loving, He is good, and He is merciful. Update to come...

Week 6

2011-02-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

Word for the week: discomfort

Sometimes, you're forced to be in situations that make you uncomfortable. Maybe you're at a conference in a room full of people you don't know, and you're forced to meet people on the spot. Maybe it's not having an answer you want because someone purposely leaves you out of the loop, but you don't want to press him/her for information. Maybe it's just a time period of waiting and waiting for an answer you don't even know is coming. Maybe there's tension in a relationship, but neither of you is willing to do the confrontation. Maybe it's an uneasiness you feel when you are asked to do something you're not sure you want to do.

I have found that the only antidote for such discomfort is to search for peace in God's presence. Maybe it means that you have to hold your breathe and take a step out of your comfort zone? Maybe it means just accepting that you're not meant to know, and if you are, God will make it known. Maybe it means God is deepening your faith in Him as He times everything perfectly. Maybe it means you have to be patient for others to be ready to talk and listen and prepare your heart, too. Maybe it means what you're being asked to do isn't good for you.

I asked God for a solution to all of my problems, but He didn't change my circumstances. He simply helped me find peace in Him to deal with my circumstances.

Week 5

2011-02-08T02:06:00.001-08:00

Word for the week: Struggle

I felt there was a lot for me to struggle through this past week. I struggled through trying to not get sick; I think I overdosed on antioxidants and vitamin C from blueberries and bell peppers. I also struggled to maintain my emotions about certain events. I struggled to remind myself that I'm currently not in a position to be expecting certain things from certain people. I struggled to remind myself of my self-worth and value as I struggled with the feeling of being unimportant. I struggled to remember that all of these doubts about my worth are not from God but from Satan. I struggled with giving the worries, aches, and pains of my heart over to God. I struggled with thoughts of being taken for granted. I struggled to deal with feeling vulnerable. Most of all, I struggled to love myself.

Week 4

2011-01-29T23:20:00.000-08:00

Word of the week: Patience

I am so impatient with people.

Week 3

2011-01-23T22:22:00.000-08:00

Word for the week: love

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns His face away

AS wounds which mar the Chosen One,

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Chris

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

Week 2

2011-01-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

Word of the week: confidence

If I haven't got it, I need someone who does. I may seem to act as though I'm confident about everything I do, but I'm actually not as confident as I seem half the time.

Confidence has a funny way of making you feel stupid sometimes. You do something, being confident in your actions, only to realize later on, it probably wasn't the best course of action. Hence, you kick yourself, make a mental note to learn from it, and move on. It gets a little sloppy when emotions get dragged into it, though.

Sometimes, I think it's better to not act until you're 100% confident, especially if it involves others. The last thing I'd want is to go back on your word or your actions. I guess that's why I don't make promises lightly - promises are an act of confidence, and to break one means someone loses confidence in you.

Week 1

2011-01-06T22:18:00.000-08:00

To sum this week up with one word: sadness

I haven't been in a good mood for the past couple of days. Right now, I just kind of wish I could crawl into bed and sleep forever. Unfortunately, my mind is a too preoccupied and bothered to let me sleep. Awesome.

It's hard to be patient with people and be positive. I just wasn't happy with a lot of what I experienced. My boss even asked what's going on as I left work today. The littlest things seem to put me into a "fine, whatever" mood. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone because it seems whenever I do, people either get annoyed or tired from listening to me vent, get irritated themselves because I'm so not fun to be around, or get worried. I realized that when I'm not in a good mood, I close myself off to people.

What an awesome way to start the new year, huh?

Resolutions

2011-01-01T04:38:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

2011, I wonder what you will bring me :)

So, instead of sleeping, I decided to work on my graduate school applications, namely because one is due...today haha I just finished it, and though my brain is fried, I'm going to write up my resolutions for this year. Some of them are pretty "superficial" in a sense, but don't judge! :D

Save at least 20% of each paycheck. Seriously.
Record all of my spending. All of it!
Tithe every paycheck. No skipping!
Get down to the weight stated by my driver's license. 7 pounds to go.
Achieve resolution #4 by going to the gym at least 3x a week and eating healthy.
Stick to a consistent sleeping schedule. Have I already broken this one?
Run a half-marathon.
Love more. Judge less.
Cultivate the fruit of the Spirit. God, You must definitely help me out on this one.
Smile at strangers more. You never know when it'll make a difference in someone's day.
Spend at least 10 minutes a day talking to God.
Spend at least 10 minutes a day listening to God.

that's it for now. 12 is a lot.

What I heard from God today (in the almost-5 hours of today):

I have called you; you have not called yourself. When you fail on your own, I will raise you up so you succeed - not for your own glory, but for mine. Have faith, little one, for I love you, and I have called you to be more than you think you are. Stop playing in the puddle; I give you the ocean.

~ Luke 5:1-10

To be a Man

2010-12-27T01:48:00.000-08:00

guy: So what is it that all girls are looking for?

girl: a man

guy: what does a man look like?

girl: I don't know. I'll let you know once I meet one.

Ouch.

So what does it mean to be a man?

1 Corinthians 13 - a man knows how to love

Luke 17 - a man is thankful and expresses it

Psalm 23 - a man knows his Shepherd

Matthew 8 - a man has faith

James 4 - a man isn't afraid to ask

Genesis 18 - a man knows how to intercede

1 Kings 3 - a man desires wisdom above all things

Matthew 18 - a man knows how to forgive

Luke 10 - a man shows mercy & compassion

Psalm 34 - a man teaches his children to fear God

it's a rather short list, but I'm sure I'll add on to it. I like where it's going :)

oh, and of course...

you must be swift as a coursing river

with all the force of a great typhoon

with all the strength of a raging fire

and mysterious as the dark side of the moon! :P

Thought Vomit

2010-12-20T08:51:00.000-08:00

Major epic fail on completing the 3o days of blogging hahaha *hangs head*

I realized it becomes very easy to lose motivation/sight/drive for what you've been doing when you allow yourself to be consumed by the matters of present time. For example, in my (literal) consumption of Thanksgiving festivities, a domino effect of missing work outs for the gym have ensued. Consequence? I gained five pounds HAHA yeah, five pounds isn't much, I guess, but when you're only as tall as I am, five pounds is a LOT! It's roughly 5% of my body weight! Why I'm sharing this with the world....I have no idea haha maybe it's because there's a part of me that's still very comfortable with my body the way it is. Unfortunately, it is not healthy to lead a lethargic life. Therefore, I will resume my workouts at the gym immediately...probably sometime tonight haha

I've finished four of my twelve PhD school applications. I am 33.3% done with them! Woohoo!! Time to crank out a couple more :) This reminds me...I must submit transcript request forms soon....sighhhh

My to-do list is endless. I really should put "pray!" at the top of it...

This was such a random post. A thought vomit. Yet, I still feel like what I need to say has yet to come out...

Day 24

2010-11-24T22:14:00.000-08:00

A letter to your parents

Dear Mommy & Daddy,

Tomorrow will be the 23rd Thanksgiving I spend with you. I am thankful for many things, but I am most thankful for you! I love you!

Your Little Girl (who's not so little...well...except physically...anymore),

Stephie

Day 23

2010-11-23T20:56:00.000-08:00

Something you crave for a lot

Hmmm. I don't really crave anything, actually. I'm not a huge fan of food, so I kind of just eat to sustain myself haha I know, it's so opposite of how everyone else in the world functions when it comes to food, but it's pretty true. I'd say if I really crave anything, it'd be whatever I haven't had in a while. My body kind of lets me know what I'm deficient in through this. Most of the time, it's fruit. I think that means I need to eat more fruit...

Day 18

2010-11-18T11:54:00.000-08:00

Plans/Dreams/Goals you have

Plans:

get married
have kids
teach and research as a professor

Dreams:

leadership development in the church
raise women leaders
travel internationally and raise Kingdom working leaders all over the world

Goals:

get into Ph.D School
live life to the fullest

Day 16

2010-11-16T21:13:00.000-08:00

Another picture of yourself

I'll follow the rules and do one picture to capture what I do when I have free time these days: BAKE! :D

Day 15

2010-11-15T21:08:00.000-08:00

Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

"One for Me" ~ Shinee
"Khat Khataao" ~ Armit Vani
"Mighty is the Power of the Cross" ~ Chris Tomlin
"11-6-64" ~ Steven Curtis Chapman
"Every Tub" ~ Count Basie Orchestra
"Throw My Fist" ~ Shinhwa
"Touch Ya" ~ Rain
"Legend" ~ 中島美嘉
"Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" ~ KT Tunstall
"Heaven" ~ Seven

Day 14

2010-11-14T23:41:00.000-08:00

A picture of you and your family

Once again, multiple pictures instead of just one :)

Dad's parents and family minus me

family minus dad + cousin Andrew

Malibu Beach 2008 with brothers - we're so strong :D

youngest brother

other brother haha

I love my mommy

And I'm a Daddy's Girl :D

graduation with parents

Mom's side of the family Christmas 2008(?)

Day 13

2010-11-13T12:35:00.000-08:00

A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

This one is hard because I don't feel that I've been really hurt recently. I usually don't remember things have hurt me unless they are things that have changed my life, my view of things, or who I am significantly. So I will take the "recently" part out, and just write a letter to someone who has hurt me.

To you:

I have forgiven you, but it took me a while to get to that point. Years, in fact. I didn't even realize just how deep the hurt was until God really pulled it out by the roots. Your actions changed my life, how I view so many things, and shook my faith. I still hurt whenever I think about it, but I have found through that difficulty that God is healer and perfecter. He can redeem anything as He did with you.

Because of you, I am who I am today. If it hadn't been for you, I would never have experienced half the things in my life in the way that I did. I would've remained in a bubble, naive and ignorant. But because of you, my bubble was shattered, my faith challenged, and I emerged an even stronger person. You've taught me to treasure the small things, always remain reflective about my actions and my words, and to be an encourager. God showed me more of His love, His faithfulness, and His comfort through all I went through because of you. Though I could've done without the pain, when I look back, I realize just how much I needed to learn all that I did.

Because of God's love for me, I am able to forgive and love you. So I just want to say, I forgive you and I love you.

From me.

Day 11

2010-11-11T22:18:00.000-08:00

Another picture of you and your friends

Happy Peppero Day!

study buddies at Boba Ya!

Day 10

2010-11-10T11:50:00.000-08:00

Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

Songs for when I am Happy:

"Happy" by Ayiesha Woods
"Everything" by Michael Buble
"Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble
"Forever Reign" by Hillsongs

Songs for when I am sad:

"Your Love Never Fails" by Chris Quilala
"빗소리" by Younha
"Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" by Hillsong
"Fireflies" by Owl City

Songs for when I am bored:

"Stereo Love" by Edward Maya and Mia Martina
"Just the Way You are" by Bruno Mars
"Like a G6" by Far East Movement
"Eenie Meenie" by Justin Beiber & Sean Kingston

Songs for when I'm hyped:

"Cabi Song" by 2PM & SNSD
"Baby" by Justin Beiber
"Remember the Name" by Fort Minor
"Houki Boushi" by Younha

I don't listen to songs when I'm mad...

Day 09

2010-11-09T23:54:00.000-08:00

Something you’re proud of in the past few days

I am proud of how good I've been about not freaking out and stressing out about the GREs. I know I need to be diligent and study for them, but I usually have this tendency to go crazy. I'm thankful to be in a place where I am not forsaking other aspects of my life purely for the sake of the GREs and really being in a place where I am remaining faithful and trusting God with it, too :)

Day 08

2010-11-08T21:00:00.000-08:00

Short term goals for this month and why

Improve as much as I can for the Verbal section of the GREs because I'm doing pathetically right now HAHA
Finish my Stanford and USC applications because they're due December 1!
Work out at least 3 times a week because I need to stay healthy!
find an efficient way to help one of my students at work so she'll understand everything better because she's struggling right now
save money for my trip to east coast this Winter because it would suck to be there and be broke
finish this blog challenge because I would like to feel accomplished haha :)
stay faithful to the 40 Days of Prayer that NEXT is doing because I want to deepen my relationship with God and lift up the ministry in prayer
be able to run 3 miles nonstop because I hate running
spend more time with my mama because she said she feels like she has no daughter these days :(
crank out purpose statements for UMCP, UMich, and UMinn because those schools have deadlines before the end of December.

Day 07

2010-11-07T01:46:00.000-07:00

A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

This picture was taken during my 2009 mission trip to Japan. This was the day of the Kids' Festival at Shonan Grace Chapel, one of the churches STEM had been sending teams to for the past 5-6 years (I think). One of the crafts we'd chosen to do with the kids was to make the salvation bracelet out of plastic lanyard and pony beads. This is a picture of the children (and some adults and STEM team members) during the time we had to make the bracelets.

I chose this picture because every time I see it, or even my own bracelet (which I still have), I'm reminded of the only time I ever shared the Gospel in Japan with my words. As Joe and I explained the color of each bead and how each color represents a part of the Gospel, I watched the children put their bracelet together and prayed that a seed would be planted in the hearts of the children who'd come to church for the first time. My heart yearned to see these children grow in God, and it broke my heart to know that so many children in Japan would grow up and possibly never hear the Gospel. It was during the short 20 minutes used to make these bracelets that I committed to praying for the children of the world, that God would send workers to share the Gospel with them.

Day 06

2010-11-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

Favorite super hero and why

I don't really have a favorite superhero. I don't even know every many superheroes haha So I'm just going to change this to "favorite super hero power"

My favorite super hero power is to fly. here are my reasons:

It makes it easy to go from point A to point B
no waste of gas = no additional pollution in the air
no waste of money to buy plane tickets
expedient means of transportation
you can see the world
you can have an amazing view of the sunsets and sunrises
you can help save people from burning buildings (if you have strength, too haha)
its a great means of escape

Day 05

2010-11-05T08:02:00.001-07:00

A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

I chose to post pictures (again more than one hehe) from my trip to visit my aunt who lives in Oman, a tiny, peaceful country in the Persian Gulf just under United Emirates, north of Yemen, and across the Persian Gulf from Iran.

Wadi Bani Khalid in Oman

This is one of the many wadis in Oman. A wadi is kind of like a lush swamp. It was the last place my aunt and I visited during my trip there. There was a small waterfall if you took a 5-minute hike and a place where people would swim. The current from the waterfall and the slope of the area allowed it to be a natural water slide. Some locals guided my aunt and I do see a natural cave further along the hiking path. We learned some valuable lessons from this experience.

Shangri-La Hotel in Oman

So, I learned that every country has their Shangri-La, or a paradise. This one was along the coast of the Gulf and absolutely breathtaking, as you can kind of see from the photo. We arrived just around sunset, and I was absolutely taken away by the high cliffs over the hotel (which you can't see here) and the clear, blue ocean waters.

Ras al Jinz in Oman

This was a rather special location. My aunt and I actually visited this beach twice. The first time was at midnight to watch Sea turtles lay eggs and baby sea turtles hatch! That night, I was reminded so much of how awesome of a Creator our God is. He knits together all creation with every small, specific detail in mind. I was so blessed to experience the birth of new baby sea turtles. This area is one of the only protected areas in the world where sea turtles lay their eggs. This is what it looks like during the day time. The tide comes in a lot faster than we realized, and were lucky to not get caught on a tiny sand bar. I heard a storm came and nearly devastated this area, though :(

Grand Mosque in Oman

The Grand Mosque in Oman is literally grand. it's made of white marble and has intricate details inside the main hall. It's interesting because the hall you see is the prayer hall for men. The women's hall was much smaller and much more simple. This was the only place where I had to cover my hair (or most of it). It was a beautiful complex, but it made me realize just how much prayer the country needs.

Burj Tower in Dubai

Wow, this building was SO TALL! As you can tell, the very top was slightly cut off hahaha We tried to go to the top, but we found out they only do pre-sale tickets, and we weren't going to be in Dubai long enough. Dubai was such a fascinating city, but I'm not sure I want to go back...driving on the roads was like fighting for your life! haha

Pray for Oman!

I finish my post with this picture because if broke my heart, and maybe the strings of your heart will be tugged, too. My aunt and I saw this father and son headed to the men's prayer room when we were leaving. I "stole" a picture from behind but didn't realize the impact it had on me until I was reviewing the pictures from that day later. I nearly cried for the little boy. He holds his father's hand with full confidence that his father knows everything and is always right. The father, being a good father, leads his son in the ways of his belief. When I reviewed this picture, God tugged at my heart and whispered, "They so readily go astray because no one is there to tell them the Truth." So I finish my post with this, please take a moment today to pray for this country. Pray that God will move in Oman in miraculous, life-changing ways. Pray for the workers and harvesters in the nation, that the Holy Spirit will empower them and give them wisdom, humility, and sensitivity.

Day 04

2010-11-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Oh this one is a doozy, so while I think about it, I'm going to blow dry my hair...

Done! And I've got my habit: thinking of all the possible scenarios for my future.

Pause. "Thinking of all possible scenarios of my future" doesn't omit the following:

having dreams
having goals
having a vision

Play.

I'm a planner. It's part of my administrative and executive style. However, sometimes my planning can get a little out of hand, and I'm not even really planning! I'm just speculating, or thinking, of the plans.

As an example, I'll talk about the issue of dating. What does the typical 22-year-old single woman do? Well, these days, she might go after whichever guy she wants, go clubbing to meet guys, etc. Most don't sit around and "plan" their dating life haha here is my recent thought process on this topic:

"If all goes well, I'll get into a Ph.D program that I want to go to and start in the fall. I'll be 23. Until then, I don't think it's a good idea to start a relationship or anything because I won't know where I'll be in 6 months. So it's probably better to wait until I get to grad school to date, that way, I can avoid the possible long-distance relationship. Maybe I'll find a guy while I'm studying. But wait, what do I do when I graduate? If he's already settled in the area of my grad school, and I'm positioned in a totally different place, then what? Okay, so maybe no dating during grad school to avoid potential problems and headache of what to do after I graduate. So then I guess I should wait until I am positioned in a university to teach. But that'll make me, at the very earliest age, 28!"

The words in bold should help you see all the planning I do for the "possible" when in fact. This is just one small example hahaha I have a plan A, a plan B, and a plan C. I'm a "cover all your bases" type of person. Problem: the energy I waste thinking about things that, as a friend so kindly pointed out, are most likely not going to happen to me.

Additionally, "thinking" can very often become "worrying" which is not what God has called me to do. He hasn't created me to be a worrier about my future. No, that's His job. Me, all I'm asked to do is glorify God in all the things that I do in the present. As the same friend advised me, I need to "deal with things WHEN they happen, not now because it MIGHT happen."

I had a conversation with a different friend yesterday, actually, about the same topic of dating. Being older and wiser, his advice to me was, "make room in your life for dating to happen." It was his way of advising me to not be so structured, or such a planner. "Be open to the things that might happen instead of trying to write them off or make them fit into a pre-structured picture you have," he said (more or less). That's not to say I shouldn't have standards, but I guess its to have your non-negotiables and things you can compromise and then be open to the things that fall under that umbrella. I'll have to do that, but maybe in another post. I like his advice, not just for dating, but also for life in general, and I will try to make myself more "available" to the things in life and appreciate things instead of having blinders on as I work my way into grad school.

Day 03

2010-11-03T22:20:00.000-07:00

A picture of you and your friends

I know it said "A" picture of me and my friends, but I couldn't just do ONE picture. So I settled for a few haha

Day 02

2010-11-02T23:39:00.000-07:00

The meaning behind your Blogspot name

So, my blogspot name is "Corners of My Mind" and my web url is smlmitsuko. I'll explain both.

"Corners of My Mind" came from the lyrics of "Way Back Into Love" from the movie Music & Lyrics starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. Aside from the fact that I loved the song, I liked the idea those lyrics conveyed - that deep in my mind somewhere, in the corners of my mind, are thoughts that have obviously yet to come to the surface. I kind of see my blog as the door to those places. Sometimes I write about things in here that I very well may not say to anyone face-to-face. I guess this blog is a chance for people to hear (or read) my deepest thoughts on some matters. It's kind of interesting because I think if people asked me questions, I'd answer them in depth on this blog puhahaha

Smlmitsuko is basically my name haha SML are my initials Stephanie Middlename Lee. Mitsuko means "child of light" or "light child" in Japanese. It's very similar to the meaning of my Korean name, which means "Girl of Light" or "Girl who Brings Light". Pretty straight forward :)

Day 01

2010-11-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

I totally jacked this off of one of my best friend's blog puhaha and I will begin today :D It's the 30-day blog challenge (with a few tweeks to fit blogspot over tumblr).

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

I have always wanted an older brother, but I've never wished for a sister.
I learned to ride a bike by myself.
I've kept all the notes, letters, and cards from high school and some from even junior high!
I'm very inflexible
I don't enjoy running, but I love football and growing fond of tennis, too.
If I'm asked a question I'd rather not answer, I'll answer vaguely and then get annoyed if people keep pestering me.
I think I'm allergic to a certain temperature + AC combination. Weird, I know.
Coffee and green tea have no real impact on me, but 5-hr energy is magical!
I'm still carded for R-rated movies.
When I'm planning and executing a plan, I'm on hyper-alert.
I have never bought jewelry for myself, and I usually don't think to make it a gift for others.
I have over 10 pairs of jeans.
I didn't start wearing make up until I turned 22. No make up even for prom! HA~!
I only eat when I'm hungry, which is about every 3-4 hours, unless it's frozen yogurt.
I find baking to be soothing and a stress-reliever, but I cannot cook to save my life.

Lessons from Unspoken Words

2010-10-20T11:16:00.000-07:00

My grandfather came to stay with us this past Saturday. I guess your teeth age as the rest of your body does, too - he's here to see my uncle, a dentist, and get teeth work done. I wonder how a 95-year-old elderly man looks lying in the chair at the dentist's office hahaha ...

I went to visit my grandfather last summer and again this past summer, but in that single year, he aged so much. It's hard to believe he is the same grandfather who drove me around when I was little, taking me to school and to church, buying me McDonalds, pulling me along in the grocery market. I have a picture of him and my late grandmother tacked to the wall above my desk. It was taken at least 15 years ago, and it's so nostalgic to look at it. His then-peppered hair is now almost completely white. His then-bright eyes have dimmed. His then-slender frame has added several extra pounds. And his then-pictured wife went to be with God two years ago. The shock I felt when I noticed how much he aged told me just how much I took him for granted.

Having him stay with us has really put a lot of things into perspective for me. I think about how little time we really do have on Earth. I smile as I drive him places when 15 years ago, he was the one driving, and I was the one fidgeting in the backseat. My heart breaks when I watch how slowly he walks now compared to when he spent all afternoon in the garden we used to have. I find myself yearning to express my love and thankfulness to him for all of the years he watched after my brothers and me. I catch myself shaking off the thought of how he very well won't be able to see me get married or hold my children.

I lived with my grandfather for 19 of the 22 years of my life, and from the day my brother was born, I always believed that he was my grandfather's favorite. After all, Stephen, is the oldest son of my grandfather's only son. Before Stephen, my cousin, Matthew, was my grandfather's favorite (oldest grandson within vicinity of our home). When I was younger, I was so bitter towards him and how I would be scolded for everything my younger siblings and cousins did. My mom and I think part of that bitterness was because I felt so rejected when I was younger. Matthew was over at our home every day until he started school, and Stephen was my own brother, so I watched what I thought then to be my grandfather's ridiculous amount of affection and love for both of them without experiencing it for myself. I used to think he disliked me the most, but oh how wrong I was. My aunts tell me repeatedly of the countless times my grandfather has praised me and told others of how proud he is of me, how he so firmly believes God will reward my faithfulness to my responsibilities. I see now that my grandfather played a big role in shaping me into who I am today. I was the brattiest of all the younger half of his grandchildren, but he trained me to be responsible for myself and those younger than me.

My grandfather isn't a man of many words about his feelings...unless he's conversing with God. One time in college, while he was living with us, I came downstairs early in the morning to find my grandfather with his Bible open on the kitchen table praying. I was so startled when I entered the kitchen, but he didn't seem to hear me. He was too engrossed in his conversation with God! I quietly watched for a few minutes and was so blessed to hear him praying for me and my brothers and our futures. I realized then just how strong God's presence is in my family, all because of how my grandparents covered us in prayer.

God has been teaching me through my grandfather's stay- teaching me to be patient, to think of others before myself, to be understanding, to discern what to say and when to say it, to not take things for granted....the list is endless. Every morning since Saturday, I wake up and the first thought in my head is, "God, help me honor Grandfather today. Help me be patient and understanding even if he seems unreasonable. Help me to be gentle yet firm, and above all else, help me to do everything out of love." I don't know how much longer we'll have with him, but I see a difference in how I interact with him compared to how I did just one year ago. Praise God!

Endless Blessings

2010-10-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you could practically burst because you can't seem to fathom and contain all the blessings you've received?

I asked You to humble me. I asked You to show me Your love. I asked You to help me see others through Your eyes. I asked You to reveal Yourself to me. I asked You to speak clearly to me. I asked You to use me.

You humbled me by using me, showed me Your love by helping me see others through Your eyes, and revealed Yourself to me through the silent stillness.

"You stay the same through the ages. Your love never changes. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning!! When the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid because I know that you love me! You make all things work together for my good."

Who am I, Father, that You would choose me? You see straight through to my heart, and yet you still call me daughter. Your love is truly incomprehensible...

Too Much Drama

2010-09-14T00:15:00.001-07:00

I don't like being directly confrontational. Usually people can tell how I feel by the way I behave, what I say, how I say things, or whether I say anything at all. Today, one friendship was reconciled while another was tested. In the former, I didn't confront that friend. Instead, though I don't think I consciously meant to, I allowed myself to communicate through various things I said or attitudes I had how I felt. In hindsight, I realize that it is not the best way to deal with an issue. Being hurt by someone can be a very destructive thing if you don't address it. It's kind of like being stung by a bee and not taking out the stinger, or getting a splinter and letting it sit there and get infected. No matter how you look at it, it's no bueno.

So why is it that I avoid confronting people directly? I think in large part it's because I don't trust myself to be loving while I do it. My mom says I'm like my dad. When he's angry or hurt, he doesn't say anything because he knows what he can say can cause major damage. Similarly, I learned early in my childhood that if I open my mouth when I'm angry, words will fall out, and I can't swallow them back. Another part of it is that sometimes even when I do confront people, they get super defensive and they totally miss the point, give excuses as to why they can't apologize, or refuse to see their mistake. Then I begin to wonder if I'm just over-doing it or making something big out of something small. Either way, it's not a good feeling. I realized that when you witness someone react in anger towards another person, you begin to think he or she will react in the same way towards you. Another reason to not want to confront.

As I was mulling over this, I realized that once again that it is not my place to decide what needs to be fixed in another person and what needs to be changed. Ultimately, God is his/her judge. However, God is my judge as well. Am I doing a disservices to a brother or sister if I don't confront him/her? Maybe, but if I plan on confronting someone, I better get rid of any thoughts I have about that person being immature, irrational, mean, etc. I think in situations like these, you just need to be vulnerable. If Christ is in a person, and that person is deeply connected to Christ through a personal relationship, there's no way he/she can't be affected by people coming to them and being honest about how they've been hurt, right?

So I shall end with this:

Satan,

Your efforts are futile. My relationship with this brother/sister is strong, and I know you fear it. You have all the reason to fear it, because with Christ as our center, you are incredibly skrewed. I know you're trying to cause dissension. I know you're trying to create a rift between me and this person. I know you fear what we could do together for Christ. Keep fearing, for you are not lord over this relationship. You have no power over either of us. I may be hurt, but the poison you're trying to seep into my mind about this person's intentions and the doubts you're trying to cause me to have will not work. Jesus is my peace-giver, and through Him I will be a peacemaker. You may thought you have won for 10 minutes or so, but you've lost. Don't think you can have any affect on my brother/sister, either. You may think you have the upper hand on him/her right now, but God's Word is forever, and His love prevails and endures all things. Your dinky little fiery darts can't do any damage to us as our relationship has refuge in God. Test it all that you want, you won't break us.

In Christ,
Stephanie

Answers

2010-08-28T23:58:00.000-07:00

I can honestly say that God has been answering prayers lately. I know He answers all the time, but for some reason, He's opening my eyes to see just how much He's moving lately. The funny thing is that the prayers He's answering aren't the wake-up-at-5am-go-to-morning-prayer-and-cry-your-heart-out-for-days-on-end prayers. They're more of the in-the-moment-of-weakness-lashing-out-in-frustration prayers. The kind of prayers that you utter in one breath, or under your breath, half-heartedly.

Honestly, I'm not a prayer warrior. I'd love to be one, but I'm not. There are days when my prayers consist of a two-sentence conversation with God. I know I need to pray. There's so many things I need to pray for. When I tell people I'll pray for them, I do pray for them. But my prayers aren't always passionate. I think that I got stuck in this "your prayers must be this way" mindset. It's actually really discouraging. Sometimes I don't feel like praying because I think, "What's the use? I know I'm not going to be in a passionate mode of prayer." I think through all the prayer-answering I'm seeing, God's teaching me that I should never be discouraged to talk to Him. He's listening all the time, whether I'm on my knees crying out to Him at a retreat, falling asleep as I'm praying at early morning prayer, lashing out to Him in frustration, or saying "thank you" for a meal. He always hears me. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I want to excuse passion-less prayer. But you don't become a warrior overnight, right? Baby steps. God's reminding me, "take baby steps." It's not what I can say in my prayers or how I can pray. God listens to my heart. He listens, and when needed, He rebukes or corrects, but He also answers. All in His own time.

The prayers He answered in this week alone are prayer I uttered when I was distressed and upset. Some were prayed months ago while others were just last week. It matters not. All will be revealed in God's time. I asked God to give me encouragement to pray, and He's doing so by answering the smallest, least in-moments-of-passion-for-God prayers and opening my eyes to see them answered. It definitely makes me want to pray more.

Some may say I'm too dependent on signs or what not, that I don't have faith and that I should pray without questioning. Perhaps that is true. But isn't it a reason to rejoice when a person has had his/her eyes opened by God? I hope that I can get there, to that point where I can pray without ceasing- be a prayer warrior. But for now, baby steps. Funny that I, a person who grew up in the church, would need to take baby steps even now, isn't it? Actually, not funny- humbling. It's so easy to be spiritually prideful because you do all the things you should as a Christian. Admitting and confessing my weakness in prayer is humbling, but God cannot use me unless I am humbled. I cannot know God unless I am humbled. So humbled I will be so that I may come to know Him more. :]

Beckah Shae - I'm Beautiful

2010-08-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

For all of my sisters out there who struggle as I do with the pressures of this world to fit into the image of what it considers beautiful...

The way He looks at me
the way He smiles because I'm His
the way He cares for me
the way He gives me happiness
He thinks I'm lovely
like a cherished rose, a diamond sparkling, the apple of His eye
He'd gladly give His life for mine

I'm so amazed by You
You took away the ugly lie and showed me the truth

next to Him, I'm so small
He's so perfect, I'm so flawed
So poor, and He's the maker of all
He's the melody that makes my soul sing
He loves me though I'm so unworthy
I can say, "I'm beautiful" because He sees me

I've never been so loved
and I still can't comprehend how much more
His love is all I know, it's what I feel right now
He overwhelms me
I laugh, I cry, I dance, I sing
Let's see if my body can still contain the praise inside

I'm so amazed by you
You took away the ugly lie and showed me the truth

Next to him I'm so small
He's so perfect, I'm so flawed
So poor, and He's the maker of all
He's the melody that makes my soul sing
He loves me though I'm so unworthy
I can say, "I'm beautiful" because He sees me

I never knew such life could be found in
here in all my needs and humility
I'm confident You know me now,
just the way I am
You still, You still call me beautiful

Next to him I'm so small
He's so perfect, I'm so flawed
So poor, and He's the maker of all
He's the melody that makes my soul sing
He loves me though I'm so unworthy
I can say, "I'm beautiful" because He sees me

"I'm Beautiful" ~ Beckah Shae

2010-07-21T01:14:00.001-07:00

Veritas #11: No one can fully understand what you're trying to say the way you think it in your head.

Veritas #12: Don't expect people to understand. Hope for it instead.

Veritas #13: Don't fight tears. They'll help you feel better.

Who would've thought that being misunderstood and struggling to communicate could hurt so much?

2010-07-20T01:12:00.000-07:00

Veritas #7: The people you think you know are the ones that surprise you the most.

Veritas #8: True concern = voice of opinion

Veritas #9: People do change. You change. Resisting it is pointless.

Veritas #10: Your attitude can make all the difference

There are times when I wish I could prevent people from learning the hard way, but then I realize...sometimes, God teaches them the hard way to deepen their faith. Hardships, challenges, even a dry spell all have a purpose. The Lord never forgets the name of the one He calls, and the one He calls never forgets His voice.

Faith. For All I Trust Him.

Who knew that disappointment could be so heart breaking?

2010-07-07T22:54:00.000-07:00

Veritas #4: How you feel can often be difficult to explain.

Veritas #5: Disappointment comes from people, not from God.

Veritas #6: You are different from the next person. It's easier if you simply embrace it.

Veritas #1-3

2010-06-16T23:54:00.000-07:00

Veritas #1: There is a time and place for everything.

Veritas #2: Sometimes that time is more than once, and the place is different.

Veritas #3: If the time is more than once, and the place is different, then odds are, there's a reason for it.

The Truth Will Set You Free

2010-05-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

The key to reconciliation, in all of my experiences, is that you must look within yourself instead of the other person. I'm finding that a consistent pattern emerges in my disputes with other people, and I'm beyond that stage of "aw crap, again?!"

Through the help of a few wise individuals, I'm realizing that unless one is ready to accept full responsibility, one is not ready to apologize. This is definitely not natural for me. I will readily admit where my fault is, but only that much. Picture it if you will with me. A huge canyon is between me and whoever is unfortunate enough to be in a dispute with me. My acknowledgment of my faults in the situation builds only half the bridge to cross the great divide between us. I build it expecting the other person to be doing the same so that we can meet at the halfway point. But I'm learning that to reach that other person, you have to be willing to be the one to build the whole bridge. This means you put your neck out there and hand the axe over to the other person. It means saying "I was wrong. I'm sorry" without adding a "but" at the end of your apology. It means taking full responsibility, even when all logic and reason may suggest otherwise. It means asking God to give you the humility and grace Jesus had to be able to say to us "turn the other cheek."

Even now, I'm struggling with my pride. It's telling me that in no way is this current situation totally and completely my fault. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. That's not the point. The point is that this is a perfect opportunity for me to be broken and ask God to take the prideful, self-reliant, and self-sufficient heart of mine and refine it. I asked God to break me, and I never would've guessed it'd come in this way, but it did. I realize that sometimes, we ask God to do something-- bring revival, give us patience, help us love-- and then when the opportunity comes, we say, "no, not that, God. Some other way, please." God isn't a vending machine. These opportunities aren't meant to be easy, and they're not meant to be pleasant. If there were, how could we experience the grace and mercy of God? If it is in my nature to be humble and filled with humility, how will I see God acting on me and in my life? I would just attribute it to my own abilities!

Yeah, we all say we wouldn't and that we'd give glory to God. But if you're honest with yourself...if you're truly honest and take that magnifying glass to your heart, the root of it all, you'll admit that more often than not, you take the glory for yourself. Go on, admit it. Trust me...you'll feel so free when you do. Why? Because only when you confess the truth and see yourself for who you really are will you realize just how utterly helpless, pathetic, and hopeless you are. And it's then...in that moment of discomfort and shame...it's then that God will come to you and remind you that He will do the work in you. How freeing is that? To know that though you're never going to get it done, God will. Then you can stop trying-- stop trying to put up a facade, stop trying to make yourself appear what you're not, stop trying to hide your ugliness and sin...all because you stepped into the light and were covered by God's grace and reassured that the work He's started in you isn't done...that it's not even close. I'm not going to be the little girl in that sandbox trying to move the huge boulder on my own. No, I'm going to look up and ask my Father to help me. What are you going to do?

2010-04-29T23:22:00.001-07:00

there are times that I realize....seriously, no one but Jesus.

no one can understand the way He does, no one can know the way He does.
no one loves like He does, no one forgives and forgets like He does.
no one can comfort like He does, no one can encourage like He does.

seriously, 예수님 밖에 없어...

Thought Vomit

2010-04-26T00:07:00.000-07:00

I really don't think people read this, which is a good thing in a way since it allows me to freely share what I think. Then again, "freely" does also mean "censored" because the last thing I want is for people to take offense in what I write. On the contrary, I'd prefer for people to stop and think about what I write, given that much of what I actually write comes from thoughts I have from observing others.

The year is wrapping up more or less nicely. School's going very well-- definitely one of my strongest semesters academically. I've locked in one research position and another one is pending, so hopefully once I graduate, things will settle into a routine. Things at home are going well, too. Brothers are growing up a lot faster than I'd like, to be honest. Sean got his first pimples today -.-;; the mangneh is no longer a baby *sigh* Stephen and I've been getting a long surprisingly well-- i swear it's because he's growing up and isn't as immature as he used to be (though we both still have a long way to go)

Ministry is burning me out. I just want this year to end. I love my Recomm members and my family group, but I'm just tired. Is it a horrible thing to say? I hope not. It's taxing to be the only sister leader to our Recomm, and I'm not the lovey-dovey-I'll-hold-your-hand-and-butter-you-up kind of girl either. I realized this year that I cannot be what I am not, but I'm still trying to search for a balance, I suppose.

I was talking to a friend earlier today about personalities, and we came to the conclusion that, though personalities are pretty consistent, they can flip flop slightly. For example, I think I am naturally an ENTJ. I'm very practical, very logical, land-with-my-feet running kind of person. I am not very forgiving of inefficiency and incompetence (aka laziness and lack of common sense), and I think through everything instead of feel through it. A lot of what I say comes out the wrong way, a lot of it is taken personally when I don't mean it personally, and most of the time it makes me feel bad. Occasionally, when I'm thoroughly irritated, I don't really care. Yes, I am a mean person, or rather, I can be a mean person. On the flip side, I flop over to being an ENFJ at times, usually when there's some kind of discord between myself and another individual. Interestingly enough, I don't fear confrontation.

One thing I absolutely loathe is cliques. No, I understand that everyone has that "core" group of friends, but it's when it seems that no one else in the world exists to them that it bothers me. I think particularly in ministry this is definitely discouraging. I remember having a conversation with one of the sisters in our ministry who made a point of how some leaders seem to care more about certain people than others. This really, really, really bothers me. It's one thing when peers feel left out or feel that they can't infiltrate a closely knit group of already-established friendships, but when a ministry member feels that a ministry leader cares less about them than others because of their lack of openness, it becomes a huge problem. The sad part? Those who are sticking to their cliques are usually the last to see its affects. I've seen too many people hurt by them to be very sympathetic towards those who are clique-y.

My problems: lacking grace and patience, being quick to judge, and communicating my negative feelings in a destructive way. Bigger problem? There are times when I simply don't care. Definitely a BIG problem.

Bottom line: more grace. more love. more patience. more God. sighhh story of my life -.-;;

2010-04-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

still stuck. still waiting.

I know will power won't work, so I'm not even trying.

but for some reason, that doesn't seem right, either...

only You can change my heart. So what do I do?

Confession of a Broken (but Stubborn) Child

2010-04-02T23:55:00.000-07:00

Spring break is almost over. Passion Week is almost over. And I must say...this has got to be the most spiritually dead week of my entire senior year of college.

There. I admitted it. Step one of recovery is to admit that there is a problem.

I learned 3 things from the past week or two...

Passion week can't be filled with self-conjured up passion. I envision it to be/feel one way, and reality check-- it's actually not because I'm trying to make it that way instead of humbling myself.
When you fast, its like God takes this HUGE spotlight and aims it right at your ugliest sins. The question is, do I see my sin for what it is, fall to my knees, and repent...or do I try to ignore it, harden my heart against it, and stubbornly refuse to be humbled?
God is still faithful when I am faithless. Despite my sheer lack of desire to talk to Him and spend time with Him over the past couple weeks, I still see His handiwork in my life. The fact that I can see His work and yet not be moved by it to turn to Him, though, really bothers me...

So the conclusion? Right this very moment, I wish I could abandon post of all my ministry responsibilities, put time on pause, hike up a mountain, and just sit. I can't turn back time and undo everything of the past week or so-- there's no use in thinking, "I wish..." or "If only..." But before I plunge ahead, I want to stop and figure out this upside-down, inside-out, totally backwards relationship I feel I have with God right now. Seriously, though...what the hell is going on? No...I don't want your answer-- don't even tell me, "Stephanie, it's..." I don't want to hear YOUR voice. I want to hear God's.

Grounded and Focused

2010-03-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

Key words:

"promise"
"faithful"
"accountable"
"first love"
"fixed"
"whole"
"season"
"patience"
"trust"
"obedience"
"waiting"
"hope"

You, Lord, keep me

Reassurance

2010-03-11T12:37:00.001-08:00

So, I wrote this one up on my other blog that I post my QTs on, but I'm beginning to think that perhaps, I shall merge the two together...

Recent events and conversations with people have highlighted the obstacles that I face in order to get into a PhD program. The irony of the timing was impeccable, too! Tuesday night I shared with Mrs. Ahn how I felt that God was really teaching me to wait on His timing and depend on Him. I shared how I'm convinced that God will lead me to the grad school He wants me to go to. Oh, how quickly and easily my faith was shaken! The very next day, my selfish ambition and desires drowned out that innocent faith, and as I listened to my advanced stats professor and classmate talk about the necessary research experience for PhD programs, I began to doubt. That was only the tip of the ice berg. Today in my Psych testing class, my professor emphasized the need for research experience for those applying to grad schools, and he also (almost condescendingly) pointed out that without this research experience, professors find it hard to write a good recommendation letter for students. Needless to say, my mind immediately began processing this information and the obstacles that were once so small compared to God seemed to be growing right before my eyes!

But God is so faithful. I opened my Bible to do my QT and was so burdened by these "worries" that I didn't know where to turn to. I silently asked God to lead me to a passage that will comfort me. Almost immediately, I was led to the passage about Jesus calming the storm. Flipping to Matthew, I read these verses that brought me so much reassurance and comfort

"And when he got into the boat, his disciples follolowed him...and they went and woke him, saying 'Save us, Lord, we are perishing.' And he said to them, 'Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?' Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm." ~ Matthew 8:23, 25-26 (ESV)

Like the disciples, I followed Jesus down this path of grad school. Like the disciples, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Like the disciples, I saw the storm and feared it thinking that it is greater than my Lord. Like the disciples, I was rebuked for my little faith but blessed by the calm that followed. The great faith that I thought I had turned out to be so small! Yet, God still remained so faithful and reminded me that He is sovereign over all things- my obstacles, my storm, and even my own ambitions. I realized that part of the reason why I was so concerned is because I lost sight of how going to grad school is intended to glorify God. Because Jesus didn't prevent the storm, His glory was revealed so much more in the end. Likewise, even if I have to go through struggles, even if I don't get into Stanford, God reminded me that all things are for His glory and His alone.

It's interesting how I am so utterly dependent on God for this one. I've never not been able to rely on myself before. I know that by the world's standards, I'm severely at a disadvantage when it comes to this whole grad school thing, but it's moments like this morning's QT that remind me that the world is nothing compared to God Himself. He's teaching me to desire the things of His heart more than the success and status of this world, and slowly, that is bringing me joy :]

BE HAPPY!! :D

2010-03-11T00:50:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna jump up and down
Gonna spin right around,
Gonna praise Your Name forever.
Gonna shout out loud,
Gonna deafen the crowd,
Gonna send my praise to heaven.

I will run this race and I will never stop.
I'll follow Jesus till the day I drop.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
When you've got such a lot,
When you've got not a lot,
What?
Be happy!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

I love how children's praise songs always get straight to the point :]

God, why are you so good to me??

Where did all the Snail Mail go??

2010-03-06T11:05:00.000-08:00

So a girlfriend and I were skyping, and we commented on how our generation has become so "immediate gratification"-oriented regarding communication and correspondence. We laughed and smiled at memories of the years we spent in elementary and junior high writing letters to one another because we lived in different cities :D We confessed how we still have those letters in boxes, too!

I can't remember when all of that changed. Maybe it's because the progression was so slow and yet so fast? haha I remember how I got my first screenname for AIM in 6th grade. After that, any letters I wrote (which were actually a lot in elementary school...) slowly decreased in numbers. Then came email, then xanga, then myspace, then facebook. With each onset of "new technology" or new methods of communication, snail mail became a less attractive medium of correspondence. Gone are the days of running to the mailbox to check for new letters. Gone are the days of excitedly opening the envelope of a letter from a penpal. I don't even check our mail anymore because all I get are bills, bank statements, or magazines puhaha

It makes me sad :[ I still love snail mail, but it feels like I'm the only one! I remember I got a letter from Ben while he was deployed, and I was walking on cloud nine all day because I actually got snail mail! Of course it helped even more that it was from a good friend! I love getting packages, too! I remember my cousin Marcela sent me a birthday package-- again walking on cloud nine! keke I don't know, there's something about getting mail that communicates a lot to me. Let me try and write these down...

It tells me that the person thought of me. Obviously if you communicate or correspond with someone, you think of that person. But snail mail takes extra effort, almost. You have to think carefully about the person to write your letter.
It tells me that the person put in time and effort to communicate with me. Writing letters takes SO much time and effort. To have a hand-written letter from someone in your hands speaks volumes about the energy put in to it to get it to you.
It tells me that the person is patient. Patience is essential to snail mail. You have to wait at least 2-3 days for it to arrive at the address you're sending it to, and then you have to wait for that person to read it. And THEN you have to wait for that person to respond!

I think there's a beauty to snail mail. Maybe I just read too many books about people corresponding via letters-- Passion and Purity, Dear John, etc puhaha but I think that even between friends, it can be a blessing- one of my best friends was so encouraged through a card that was sent to her via snail mail!

So what's the point of this post? It's my two bits for snail mail hehe Our generation is so used to immediate communication that sometimes I wonder if we can truly appreciate the "old-fashioned" means that gave birth to what we currently have.

Trip Down Memory Lane: A Tribute to GMC

2010-03-01T23:39:00.000-08:00

Whenever someone asks me about my old church, it's like pulling out an old box of treasures and blowing the dust off the cover :] Fifteen years of my life is lovingly wrapped away in that box, in the church in which my parents got married and in which I grew up.

GMC and Sarang are so different in so many ways from location to denomination to structure. As much as I love Sarang, my heart has a special place for GMC. Interestingly enough, I don't know any of the pastors there by name, I recognize fewer and fewer faces when I go back, and only my mom's side of the family attends the church now.

Still, I smile at the memories of the children's rallies, Hallelujah night, Easter picnics, playing wall ball and tag, talking for hours with friends while we waited til 3 or 4 pm for our parents to finish with their ministries, Christmas programs, and Kids' Musicals. I find myself wondering what I'd be like if I stayed back east and continued my growth in GMC...

I don't talk to any of my friends from GMC anymore. Not consistently anyways. It definitely is a little awkward when I go back to visit because it's been so many years since I left. But I think of my childhood church friends (and "enemies" haha) quite often. Every now and then, I visit their facebooks and read through their info to see how they're doing, where there are in life, and their passions. Whenever I hear about the troubles GMC is facing, I always lift up a prayer for the church that saw so much of my growth in my walk with God. Maybe its because of this reason that I find GMC still so close to my heart despite my unfamiliarity with it.

A Chicken or the Egg Scenario

2010-02-23T23:44:00.000-08:00

So I'm rediscovering KPop, thanks to a couple of friends haha I'm bumping and bouncing and dancing to the music during all possible waking hours -- in the car, at home, studying, on my way to class -- and then I discovered the youtube videos.

No, I haven't been living under a rock for the past ionno how many years youtube has been out haha i guess i never really bothered to watch music videos for the most part. They're not really my drug of choice, if you know what i mean. But tonight a friend sent me a link to the new KARA MV for their 2010 debut/change, Lupin. That video led to another one, and another, and another one, and before I knew it, enough thoughts were running through my head to make me want to post a blog entry on them haha so lets begin

Disclaimer: I realize that what I'm about to write are one-sided and biased. Hence, they are my opinions. Therefore, respect them, or stop reading.

I never understood this "cute" theme so many girl groups were going for, but I think I understand this "sexy" theme even less. Example: KARA Honey vs. KARA Lupin. What in the world?
I wonder why agents would have their artists sing live while dancing when, quite frankly, they sound horrible. Okay, so they're not horrible 100% of the time, but probably in over half of the videos I watched between 2NE1, KARA, SNSD, and Wonder Girls I cringed at some point because the girls were either flat, sharp, or just off pitch.
Speaking of agents and producers-- who in their right mind would ask sexual favors from their artists? You're marketing her and you're sleeping with her? Can we please set out of the lowly pimp life?
As for the artists, life is not over because you refuse to sleep with your producer. Suicide is not the answer. However, this just goes to show how trapped and imprisoned these female artists are, whether they know it or not.
Elaborating on the second half of #4, don't these artists ever get tired?! No, not tired from singing and working. I mean, don't they get tired of having surgery after surgery, being pressured to stay a certain size, being picked and "fitted" into the cookie-cutter image each group wants for its singers, having their image changed year after year, seeing their clothing become smaller and shorter and thinner and clingier until its almost nonexistent, or having to listen to hate-fans?
What is WITH all the plastic surgery? I mean, who are they trying to look like? each other? Eyes can only be so big, cheeks can only be so plump, jaws can only be so softened, noses can only be so perky. I used to say that if you stick some Korean celebrities in front of a fire, they'd melt...I think I'd still stand by that. I wonder if Korea has the highest rate of "minor" plastic surgeries...
Do any of these artists have raw talent, or were they all "grown"?
Must all songs be about love, heartbreak, revenge, or physical beauty? Do they even read the titles of their own songs?
I have to admit that its kind of interesting how some artists are experimenting with different genres and "remixing" their songs (if you can even call it that) Example: Wonder Girls' "So Hot" Tango Remix and 2NE1's "I Don't Care" Raggae Remix.
So...how much of this is Korean music culture impressed on the artists, and how much of it is the artists impressing the music culture?

I know, I don't know everything about Korean music culture. Heck, I admit that I don't know much about Korean culture to begin with. So there is no way I could possibly understand. But really...what is there to understand about the objectifying, marketing, and molding (literally) of Korean women who are beautiful just they way they are? If they weren't famous artists, are they any less valuable, adorable, beautiful, gifted, or unique? No, I didn't think so. So then why is it that their individuality is being taken away? Is it their desire that's shaping the music culture, or is it the culture shaping their desire?

Funny how I've got these artists on replay, isn't it? I think I'll feel differently, though, when I think about what these artists lost in order to provide me with their music.

Randomness

2010-02-20T00:02:00.000-08:00

Too many thoughts, not enough time or energy to organize them and put them into words. Let me see if I can get some blurbs out- I apologize ahead of time if they don't make sense (they probably wont)

procrastinating never gets old -.-;;

can you be too nice or too caring? why do I even care so much?

where do dreams come from?

why does my Advanced Stats and Psych Testing class make me think of so many philosophical questions?

I can only be so patient

I dislike with a great passion rude teenagers

Please think before you talk, ask questions, or say something

STORY OF MY LIFE!! ARGH!

I need to be more patient with stupid people...or rather, people who act stupid.

Its interesting how things that once bothered you so much don't bother you as much
does this mean you're growing more patient?
or does it mean you're so sick of it you choose not to see to avoid being bothered?

stop thinking about it. stop analyzing it. don't think. don't analyze. just WAIT.

love and be loved. be a lover and a beloved.

why is it so freaking hard?! XO

when you think you've scaled one mountain, you realize that there's another one in front of you.
don't look back at your accomplishments.
look at how much more you've gotta go.
stay humbled.

Someone invent a machine that can just take thoughts and transform them into blogposts. I'll pay you.

Singles Awareness Day or Valentines Day?

2010-02-14T19:00:00.000-08:00

I realized that for the first time in quite a long time, Valentines Day truly was a Singles Awareness Day for me :] I can't remember the last Valentines Day that I spent not thinking about a guy, a date, or something Valentines Day-ish haha Instead, I spent the day being convicted by a sermon on singleness, loving a sister, a 33-0 shut-out scrimmage game, and eating a Brazilian BBQ dinner with my family.

Pastor Jeff spoke on finding joy in our season of singleness. I was really reminded of why I made a no-dating covenant with God until I at least turn 23. When I made this covenant just after my 21st birthday, I truly longed to learn what it meant to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Now, just two days shy of being exactly 21 1/2 years old, I'm felt God was asking me if I've been using my time of singleness to really seek Him and do His work. I can't honestly say that I've done my best, but I definitely feel that I'm more sensitive to His voice, His direction in my life, and the Holy Spirit compared to six months earlier. Recent sermons, incidents, and QTs are convicting me even more to be faithful to my covenant.

I think the one thing that Pastor Jeff said that really convicted me was that for most of us, our season of singleness will not identify itself as the gift of celibacy. In other words, one day, this season will end. Every day that goes by is one day less in what's left of my Season of Singleness. He shared about how he wept when he realized that there would one day be an end to his Season of Singleness, a season in which he learned to love God and grew to be so intimate with Him. He challenged us to have the same kind of reaction when our season of singleness ends, to weep knowing that as God calls us into a new chapter of our lives, this beautiful season of singleness will end. This season, if embraced and taken advantage of, will yield undivided devotion to God.

I believe that my aunt has been given the gift of celibacy. While I was in Oman, I asked her for the second time in my life why she never married. Her response was that she the desire to marry was something she never fully experienced. Sure, she had her schoolgirl day crushes, but as she grew older, she embraced an occupation, a calling, that would have been so much more difficult had she married. I shared with her how it is my sincere hope and prayer that I am not apportioned the gift of celibacy, and she gave me interesting advice. She said, "People often see their spouse as their 'better half', but I think that it is those who are whole and complete in Jesus that are ready to marry." I think that she meant God will bring you out of your season of singleness once you have learned what it means to be completely content and joyful because of God. It is He who makes us whole, not some other person. That, my friends, is my goal, and I hope that God does not bring me out of my Season of Singleness unless I have grown to be complete in my identity as a child of God.

Lord, thank you so much for being so faithful when I have not. Would You continue to show me more and more of Yourself? Would You teach me what it means to be in awe of who You are? Would You show me all the ways in which I can maximize my Season of Singleness that all I do may glorify You? Would You help me to seek complete joy and contentment in You and not in the shallow, superficial "love" that's in this world? Take my heart for it is Yours. I love you.

To My Sisters

2010-02-07T19:10:00.000-08:00

I love going on dates with my girls :] I am so thankful for the sisters God has placed in my life. I know that without them, I wouldn't be who I am. They encourage me and challenge me to draw closer to God. They're there to hear about my struggles and frustrations. They're there to hold me when I cry, they're there to stand by me and hold me up when I fall. They speak truth to me, pray for me, and edify me. They rejoice with me like Elizabeth rejoiced with Mary, and they stick by me like Ruth stuck by Naomi. A girl couldn't ask for better soul sisters :]

From Burdens to Lessons

2010-01-31T17:50:00.000-08:00

So, I realized after I returned home that my parents now have full access to my blog via facebook haha mmm I suppose I'm still figuring out how I feel about this...

It's been a crazy first week back in the States. I feel like I've been gone sooo long, and when I came back, I jumped full-force into my usual routine: school, work, home, ministry, friends, repeat! I almost feel as though I have a slight post-missions syndrome, but I guess I should call it post-international traveling syndrome. I'm happy to be back, don't get me wrong, but I find that I'm more sensitive to things than before. I'm so exhausted from trying to process all that I'm encountering haha I'm so thankful that I only have two classes this semester-- I actually have more time to sleep! :D

Four things happened this week to really burden my heart. All of them in different areas of my life, too, but all of them equally taught me important lessons:

Lesson 1: Children are human, too.
I love children, but I found myself loathing something about them this week-- their tendency to be selfish and cruel. One of my students will no longer be attending our after-school center. As sad as I am to see him go, I feel almost relieved. He wasn't a difficult student by any means-- really bright guy who genuinely wanted to do well and tried so hard to fit in socially. The other children weren't too crazy about him. He's different, a little quirky, not exactly clean all the time, and tends to be annoying. However, For the past four months, I crushed every attempt made by any of my other students to ridicule, put down, or be cruel to him. I wouldn't have it, and I made it clear to them. For the most part, they were respectful. However, it made me so angry that the girls, in particular, would so readily display their disgust in his lack of hygiene. Sometimes I felt as if they looked at him like a dirty, used tissue-- so quick to wrinkle their nose and jump away. I saw it happen again this past Friday, his last day at our center, and I was so sorely tempted to address the issue out there in the open for all the other fourteen sixth graders to witness, but I didn't. I'm dreading having to deal with the smirking satisfaction that I anticipate to shine on each of my students' faces when they discover that their classmate has left our center. I'm still not entirely sure what I want do about it....

Lesson 2: Sometimes, you have to walk away from something you love.
I'm debating whether to return to play football after this Love Bowl season. The reason I first fell in love with the sport and joined our women's team is because of how much I felt it brought sisters together and how much fun it was to practice every Saturday. I miss those old practices before we won any tournaments, before we experienced disappointment in not winning other tournaments, and before, as I see it, the picture of winning a tournament got bigger and bigger. The ministry's changed. It's become more competitive, more dichotomous, and more demanding. I saw and experienced how ugly and un-Christ-like girls in this ministry across Southern California can become, and I'm not sure I like it. It breaks my heart to have to think about not playing, but I don't know if I can handle the competitiveness and what I feel is a drive to win at all costs. It's one thing to be proud of your team, but it's another to shrug your shoulders and brush off accusations of playing dirty. I don't think we play dirty at all, but I also don't think it's right to not give a second thought to the comments made by others, especially because we're a church ministry. I love the sport, I love that girls come together to play, and I'll be supportive to the very end of the cause to bring sisters together and witness through fellowship in sports. I'm wondering, though, if perhaps we've lost sight of the this cause. My readers don't have to agree with me, but I ask that if you don't like what I've just written, please respect that it's my and I'm entitled to it.

Lesson 3: Tone of voice can change everything.
I asked God to teach to me to speak more gently and lovingly. I've asked Him to make me conscious of my tone of voice, how I say things, and the right time to say things. I think He's teaching me by showing what it's like to be on the receiving end. I'm becoming more and more sensitive to how others speak to me, and whenever I don't like it, a pang of guilt surges through me as I wonder, "Have I ever made or do I ever make someone feel this way by the way I say things?" It's a slow learning process, but I'm thankful that God is opening my eyes to see how important tone of voice is.

Lesson 4: Friendships take effort.
I met up with one of my best girlfriends at school twice this week, which is probably more than I've seen her in a single month last semester. After Urbana, I really felt convicted to make an effort to pursue my friendships with people outside my church. I even got a chance to get to know her younger sister better, too! It was really refreshing to be able to spend time with her and just catch up on a lot of life. We both tried to contact a good, mutual friend, but received no response from him for two days. After contact was made, we had a tense conversation with him about why we haven't heard from him. He and I have been friends since high school, and he's the only one from high school who didn't go to my church that I even consider a friend. Both of us got really busy, and I found myself being a little irritated by his lack of response to my attempts to contact him. I realized, though, that I have to cut him some slack. I've been just as MIA as he has which means I haven't made the effort to maintain our friendship either. A sister from church shared how it's hard for her to balance friendships at church against friendships with her sorority for graduate school. As I make an effort to be more intentional about my friendships outside of church, I'm beginning to understand her struggle.

Back Home

2010-01-24T01:30:00.000-08:00

Hello, America!

Wow, it's 1:30 AM, and I'm not sleepy. I'm not sure if I'd call this jetlag, though...I suppose we'll find out tomorrow evening depending on whether I K.O. early or not hahaha

My flight back was atrocious. Well, actually it wasn't all that bad. Funny thing, I left Oman praying that God would give me more of a graceful and patient heart, and oh my goodness I was sorely tested over and over as I traveled the long 17+ hours back to the States. The night before my departure, my aunt and I went to visit one of her colleagues, an Omani woman. Being in an Omani home was quite interesting and definitely an opportunity of a lifetime. She was saying that the States was too far away to send her daughters for college. I definitely heard that resounding in my head as I traveled. Recap, shall we?

My aunt and I spent a good few hours packing shells. Yes, shells. Go ahead and laugh, but if you laugh, don't expect me to share my beautiful shells with you! haha just kidding :] We collected a whole mess of shells at the beaches we went to in Oman, and I wanted to take them back to the States with me. (I know, I would!) To top it all off, I bottled some of the Arabian sand and brought it back, too. (shhh don't tell Customs haha) We went to bed around 12:30am, and we had to get up at 2:30am to get to the airport by 3:30am to make sure I was there in time for my 5:00am departure. That part of the trip was smooth sailing. Dubai is where the problems began haha

So we land in Dubai, and I'm wandering around trying to make sense of their wacky signs (no "rhythm & logic" as my aunt would say) to make my way to my gate for the second (and longer) part of my trip. Due to crazy intense security, I went through THREE security checks, got patted down by a woman, and was forced to throw out my near-full water bottle. They started boarding late, so we were pulling out of the gate late, which meant we were taxi-ing late. Add on a couple layers of fog, and you've got the Emirates delaying departures. Add on (what I think would've been) some incompetent people and you have an all-systems-crashed situation with no air traffic control. Translation: NO DEPARTURES. So guess where I sat oh so comfortably for another HOUR before we even took off from the ground? row 31, seat B. It's a very darned good thing that I'm so small (Thank you, Lord for making me small!) otherwise I would have been pulling my hair out.

Funny, there was a woman almost pulling her hair out because she was given an interior seat (one of the middle seats) and she refused to sit there because she "has a phobia." Had I not been reminded that I prayed for grace and patience, I probably would've commented on how if she TRULY had claustrophobia, she'd probably have already suffered serious anxiety attack on the spot where she was standing and that she was in no condition whatsoever to travel anywhere by plane! Of course as my brain was trying to tell my heart to be graceful, a woman from Persia sat down next to me, and why she kept on talking to me when I couldn't understand Farsi is beyond my comprehension! I was quite obliging for the first 5 hours, but after that...it nearly drives you completely wonky to have to be bothered (literally poked and nudged) every hour by her attempt to make something new known to me. Of course, when you're staring at the screen showing you where the plane is traveling, poking the passenger next to you isn't going to make it go any faster, but I don't think they teach people that in Persia. They may not teach people to put their carry-ons underneath the seat in front of them, not in their lap or on top of their feet, either.

I endured that long flight because of 3 things:
1. I was given over 100 movies to pick from that I can watch (thank you, Emirates Airlines!)
2. Urbana 2009 Worship songs on my ipod
3. The thought of sleeping comfortably in my own bed (which, ironically, I'm not taking advantage of as of right now...)

Getting off the plane took forever, getting my passport stamped took forever, and waiting for luggage to come out took forever AND a day! When I thought it was all over, I made my way through Customs, and this was my conversation with the Customs Agent Inspector dude:

him: *smile* hello
me: *faint smile* hi
him: where do you live?
me: *a little surprised at such a direct question when he's got my permission to land slip* California
him: *flipping open my passport* how old are you? 16?
me: ... 21
him: wow...
me: mhm, I get it a lot.
him: so what were you doing in the Emirates?
me: visiting my aunt.
him: *raised eyebrows* she lives there?
me: well, no, she lives in Oman. I went there, and then we went to Dubai to visit friends.
him: Oh, interesting...
me: *awkward laugh* haha
him: mmm okay, you're good.
me: oh, okay, thank you
him: You're really cute, you know that?
me: O.o uh haha thank you? *walking away TOTALLY weirded out*

Let me just say that I was wearing a box t-shirt, jeans, a zip-up sweater, and Rainbows with my greasy hair (I can never avoid it when I get on a plane!) up in a clip. Cute? I swear, it must be my size and how young I look....

So after arriving more than two hours late, my mom and I made our way home where I had the one meal I was CRAVING: Ramen :D I unpacked, organized souvenirs, cuddled my cat, cracked jokes with my brothers, ran a couple errands, anddddd now I'm going to bed. What a crazy day!

Adventures: Sand & Water

2010-01-21T07:04:00.000-08:00

We just arrived back at home from our trip out to the Wahiba Sands Desert and Wadi Bani Khalid. The Wahiba Sands is a small desert in Oman that is about 230km long (north to south) The dunes run north to south, so it's relatively easy to figure out where you are by looking at the directions the dunes are shaped. A Wadi is like a natural gathering of water that's collected from the mountains here in Oman-- it's almost like a river/stream bed. They seem harmless, but sometimes people underestimate the danger than can come from a sudden rush of water gushing down a wadi, kind of like a flash flood in desert areas.

We arrived at a gas station to be picked up by the driver of the Desert Nights Camp that we were going to stay at for the night. My aunt's little Carolla wasn't going to be able to make the 20 minute drive out to the desert haha We arrived at the camp, and we were received so very wonderfully in the reception area-- refreshments, lounding, etc. Our Bedouin-style room was like a little hut with a Bedouin-style tent roof. Very nice and comfortable :] After getting settled, we made it out to the reception area to go on our hour-long camel ride up to the dunes to watch the sunset!! Wow, definitely an amazing experience. Camels are truly beautiful and mysterious creatures haha They can be quite loud, too, though haha The sunset was marvelous, and it was interesting how the sand would quickly become cold! After an amazing dinner, we turned in for the night.

This morning, we woke up bright and early to go...SANDBOARDING! haha yeah, that was really fun!! Similar to snowboarding, but not as fast-- probably because the sand was still dewy and cold, so instead of easily slipping and moving, it was a little more difficult. Still, my aunt and I both had a blast snowboarding down the side of the dune. We got a taste of dune-bashing, too haha It's like a rollercoaster inside a 4x4 vehicle up and down over the dunes. I felt like we were going to tip quite a few times, but the drivers were so experienced :]

After washing up and eating breakfast, we checked out and were driven back to my aunt's car. From there, we went to Wadi Bani Khalid. The drive there was a little long and complicated, but it was worth it to see the beautiful wadi. Such blue-green waters, lots of date palm trees, and even two small waterfalls! We didn't go swimming, though apparently many tourists come to do just that. Instead we were taken by local boys to the cave that was another 15 minutes of a hike. I didn't go in, though, because I'm not a big fan of small spaces haha

The drive back was simple and peaceful. Tomorrow's my last day here. I think it's going to be rather laid back, which will be good after all this travelling! We're going to the nearby Quarm beach to collect more seashells, though. I've got a fabulous souvenier idea for some people haha

Adventures Part III: Amazing Maker

2010-01-18T08:37:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday morning, my aunt and I took off from the Muscat area and headed southeast towards Ras Al Hadd to go turtle watching :] Along the way, we stopped by Mutrah souk, a traditional market place that sells all kinds of things. Think of it almost like a flea market, or picture fashion district LA inside a single-story building. It wasn't all that large, but it was really interesting :D

We arrived at the Turtle Beach Resort at around 5:30 P.M. after getting a bit lost here and there haha Luckily, the Off-Road Oman tour book my aunt bought was pretty detailed and helpful :] We checked into the little resort, which reminded me of a mini Hawaii. We stayed in a traditional Omani hut made of date palm trees. We had dinner inside a carved/cleared out douw (traditional Omani boat) and enjoyed a lovely sunset! Here are some pictures for you haha I highly recommend anyone traveling to Oman to get out to this lovely hidden secret. It's truly a beautiful place with a small private beach. VERY cute and totally worth the money you pay.

We left the resort at around 7:45 P.M. to get to Ras Al Jinz, which was only another 15 minute drive along the coast. We started the turtle tour at 9:00 P.M. hoping to get an opportunity to watch a mama green sea turtle lay her eggs in the beach. Not only did we get to see one mama turtle lay her eggs, we watched a clutch of baby turtles hatch and burrow its way out of the sand and up to the surface!! Truly, truly an amazing site. We weren't allowed to take pictures, but man...if I thought giving labor as a woman is going to be hard, I thank God that I'm not a sea turtle. They work SO much just to try and ensure the survival of each clutch of eggs they lay. The tour guide told us, though, that of the near-hundred eggs laid in one clutch, only 3-4 survive to mature adulthood. Listening to the guide explain all the work the mama turtle does and how the temperature of the sand determines the sex of the turtles, I was in such awe of how amazing our Creator is! He truly made everything and designed all things to be good.

The next morning, my aunt and I went back to Ras Al Jinz to look at the beach. Beautiful. The water was sooo blue, clear, and surprisingly warm! We had fun walking along the rocks before heading back. We took the coastline drive back up northwest, and though it took a little longer, it was totally worth it. I think this trip really helped me remember just how everything was created for God's glory. All things truly are made for good, and the scenery I saw just kept putting that into perspective for me :] I tried adding more pictures, but blogspot is being mean and won't let me :[ facebook should have updated pictures, shortly, though :]

Adventures Part II: Hotels of Oman

2010-01-16T11:13:00.000-08:00

So, my aunt's laptop doesn't have the Active X thingie or whatever to make uploading pictures onto facebook quick and easy haha I'm currently waiting for a few photos I uploaded to fully upload onto the new facebook album I made... As I wait, I thought I'd write about today's travels as it seems I won't be updating again for a while (tune in next time for what happened in between!)

My aunt and I started off our day by visiting the Grand Mosque just outside of Muscat, Oman. Absolutely gorgeous place to visit! We couldn't stay long because they had to close the mosque's visiting hours so that they could clean for the mid-day prayer time that was coming up. I think we're going to try and go back tomorrow, though :] The guard at the entrance was really nice and friendly-- I definitely like Omani people more than Emirates haha We had to wear scarves over our hair into the mosque, though, so you'll see that in the pictures I uploaded-- definitely an interesting experience.

After the mosque, we headed east towards the coastline and then south to see some of the little seaside towns. We visited a museum (photography was prohibited *tear*) and then swung around to see the Sultan's palace. It wasn't as big as I thought it'd be, but it was still pretty pretty haha afterwards, we went to two hotels. We ate lunch at the Al Bustan Hotel, which is incredibly lavish (again, see pictures on facebook). Apparently they had some special guest staying there; we almost didn't get to go in to eat lunch because of the security, but like I said...Omani people are really nice :D haha We ate lunch at a restaurant in the hotel that pretty much cost an arm and an a leg. Food was pretty good, but the view was just incredible!

We continued our way through the beautiful mountain roads overlooking the Arabian Sea to Oman's Shangri-La. It's an exquisite nest of hotels right by the beach. If I ever get a chance to stay at a hotel in Oman, I'm going to the Al Waha Hotel! Again, the view was absolutely breathtaking, and the atmostphere very relaxing :]

The drive back was simply amazing. The effects of the sun setting is a beautiful thing to watch here in Oman! My aunt arranged for me to meet some of her friends, so we took a backroad along the beach closer to her home to get to their house. We ended up stopping by the beach and walked along the water's edge. We dawdled on the beach picking up shells and examining the marine life in the small tide pools haha Meeting her friends was really fun-- such a laid back group of people from New Zealand who are also here with the same purpose.

On the way back to my aunt's place, we stopped by this African food take-out place along the side of the road and bought chicken skewers to eat. Very, very delicious :] Now I'm just uploading photos and posting this blog haha I probably won't be able to update for another couple of days, so hopefully the photos will suffice. It's a slow process, but I figure people have to see what I'm seeing :]

Adventures Part I: Dubai

2010-01-15T12:01:00.000-08:00

Again, no idea what to title this update haha I'll worry about it once I'm done...
So, "let's start from the very beginning, a very good place to start..." (I'll buy you dinner if you can tell me where that line is from)

As expected, LAX was ridiculously PACKED with people on the day of my departure. I had to miss service in order to get to the airport to compensate for the anticipated delays -.-;; It took a little over an hour to check-in, go through security, and get to my gate. The flight itself was actually okay. If you ever need to fly to the Middle East, I recommend Emirates Airlines! hahaha

Layover in Dubai, U.A.E. was pretty quick (free internet!) The airport was so lavish. I'll try and post pictures on facebook as soon as I can, but man...I couldn't figure out if the airport was an airport, a hotel, or a mall hahaha must be something about the city...but more on that in a little bit.

My aunt picked me up from the Muscat airport in Oman just after midnight on Tuesday, January 12th. Getting out of the terminal gates was a little awkward...the doors slid open for me to walk out into the waiting area and there were literally few dozen men just standing there staring at me and watching me as I walked to the end of the pathway thing to get to my aunt. Definitely awkward. The whole walk to the parking lot, my aunt and I had all these men asking us "Taxi? Taxi?" because they needed passengers. We arrived at my aunt's home (really cute house btw) and I pretty much knocked out. In the morning, my adventure really began with a Skype conversation with my mom hahahaha

So my aunt and I loaded her car with a few days worth of luggage, and we began the 5+ hours drive to Dubai- yes, the city I had my layover in haha One thing to note about this area: DRIVERS ARE CRAZY! Man, I thought LA drivers were crazy and driving in LA is dangerous, but the way people drive her makes LA driving look like kiddie play! Tailgating is a favorite passtime-- I watched one car tailgate another car so closely I was just waiting for an accident to happen. Apparently people here don't understand the danger of tailgating. I guess it wouldn't be as bad except that everyone is driving 70 mph or higher WHILE tailgating! I couldn't figure out whether to marvel at their ability to do that or their stupidity for doing it. But yeah, driving in this area is a battle zone...

The drive to Dubai was pretty nice. Scenery was wonderful :] Apparently they don't like using traffic lights in this area. Major intersections are more like gigantic round-a-bouts. It's kind of interesting and scary how the laws of that work. A little difficult to explain haha But the center of each round-a-bout is decorated beautifully. The Arab people have an interesting fascination with windows, doors, and gates. All the center pieces of the round-a-bouts had some kind of architecture surrounding this theme of doors, windows, and openings.

Speaking of architecture. Ladies and gentlemen, if you ever want to see a city with an incredible variety of architecture, go to Dubai. But, let me give you what I call the Ten Commandments of Dubai:

You must by the Salvik toll tag to avoid being fined like crazy.
You must be (or be in a car driven by) an amazing defensive, yet shrewdly offensive driver.
You must have a great map with ALL the streets labeled.
You must have more than one pair of eyes scanning the road for signs
You must watch out for padestrians on the highways (I'm not kidding)
You must not panic when road signs suddenly disappear.
You must know exactly where you want to go and how you want to get there prior to leaving.
You must not expect to know what road you are on unless you've been driving on it for a while or you happen to see the sign for the road AFTER you've turned onto the road.
You must watch the painted arrows on the road very carefully as they do not seem to follow any logical plan of direction.
You must have at least one passenger who is an excellent map-reader and quick to find your bearings and give directions.

Dubai was really interesting, though. The first morning, I woke up at 6:30 to the sound of the closest mosque's "Call to Prayer." I was so confused trying to figure out who seemed to be chanting nonsense at 6:30 in the morning. I think it was then that I remembered that I'm in an Islamicized area. I went to about 4-5 malls, visited an aquariam, went out to the Palm, saw the Burj tower (but didn't get to go up), travelled out to Festival City and Global Village. All of this in just two full days in Dubai!

There wasn't much to see as far as natural landmarks go in Dubai, but I definitely recommend going to ALL of the malls they have. Don't really expect to shop there, though. Anything imported from America (and they have a lot of these stores) is more expensive here. The Emirate groups of U.A.E. are ridiculously wealthy (for the most part) so they shop at ridiculously expensive stores. I saw individual stores for Christian Dior, Louis Voitton, Channel, and some other high name brands for the first time all in one mall. So, why go to the malls? For the architecture and design that's put into these malls. It's utterly amazing how much money and design goes into these buildings. Every single mall is different from the next, and it's lavishly decorated. (See Facebook pictures that are soon to come)

Enough about the tourism aspect. I've learned so much about the people living in this area, and it's only been about 4 days! For starters, you can kind of tell who's from around here and who's not just by looking at how they're dressed. Dubai, being a more international city, seems almost like any other city in the world, but the towns in Oman definitely have a Middle Eastern feel to it. What's surprised me a lot, though, was the sheer number of non-natives (aka expats or immigrants). It's amazing how many non-Omani or non-U.A.E. people I saw. 90% of the time, though, the non-natives I saw were migrant workers, and man...my heart broke when I saw literally groups of them being shuttled to and from their work places. My aunt told me that they are all men from south-Asian and other areas that come to work for meager wages, are communnally house together in poor living conditions, and work 6.5 days a week with no benefits.

I definitely learned about why countries like U.A.E and Oman would have such a hard time being changed and abandoning old ways. The mindset and mentality of the people here are so different from the Western world. The concept of planning is nonexistent, the idea of being well-rounded never crosses people's minds, and everything is "as Allah wills it." I look at the little kids, and I wonder what kind of future they're growing into. The current Sultan of Oman has no heir, and people here are saying that the future of Oman is critically dependent on the group of people who come to power next.

Dubai is experiencing financial difficulty (hence the half-finished buildings all over the city), and is being "bought out" by a sheik (prince) of a neighboring emirate (or state). This means, essentially, that Dubai is then indirectly controlled by that neighboring sheik. A bit problematic since Dubai is the most westernized and liberal of all the emirates in the United Arabian Emirates (U.A.E.), and it's so far into it's westernization that to turn it around would mean utter catastrophe for the emirate.

Worship here is also interesting. Friday is considered the holy day for Muslims, so "Sunday" Service is actually held on Friday mornings. If it's otherwise, people would have an awfully hard time coming out since they have to work on Sunday. That was a little interesting to get used to. My aunt and I went to an international church in Dubai for worship, and that was an interesting experience. Being at Urbana, I think, definitely helped decrease the awkwardness I think I would've normally felt. From the looks of it, the church is roughly 350 people strong, so praise God for that!

Tomorrow (err...today?) my aunt and I are going to go to the Grand Mosque here in Muscat, Oman and then head to Shangri-la and a couple other places. I'm excited to see the Souk (traditional market) and look around there, too :] The rest of my trip is roughly outlined, but I'll keep you all in suspense for that haha I'll try and update again soon and get those pictures loaded up :]

More Traveling!

2010-01-09T19:08:00.001-08:00

So, I'm taking a break from packing for my trip to Oman to visit my Aunt Crystal. I'm really excited :] We kind of planned out different things to do while in Muscat, Oman, and we're also going to do a short trip to Dubai. The only thing I wasn't looking forward to was the 16 hour long flight from LAX to Dubai. But after my ever-researching mother looked up information on the Emirites Airline website, we discovered that the flight will be quite enjoyable because of the different things I have the opportunity to take advantage of hahaha Apparently I can text message people while on the flight, but it's $1.00 per text going out and coming in, so I think I'll be keeping my phone off after I board the plane hahahaha There's a tv screen in front of each seat on the airplane, (even Economy) and the list of movies is quite interesting. I was thinking I'd sleep on the flight, but I may not haha

I think this is the first time I'm packing without making a very detailed list of what I'll be taking. It kind of makes me nervous because I can't see on paper what I've got in my suitcase hahaha I think I've got most of the important stuff taken care of, though :] I'm just waiting on the last batch of laundry to finish so I can pack the last of the luggage. Everything's fitting very nicely into my mid-sized suitcase :] All those years of playing Tetris totally pays off hahahaha

I've been debating about what to do while I'm in Oman about internet. I've decided not to take my laptop, but I am taking my camera. So...yeah, I haven't decided if I'm going to be available on the lovely world of internet. I think I'm leaning towards updating every few days with some pictures for the total of 3 people who read my blog hahahaha

Orighties, I think the wash needs to make it's move to the dryer. The next time I'll update, I'll be halfway around the world!! :D

Dancing with Joy

2010-01-06T21:39:00.000-08:00

I had a hard time coming up with a title for this post haha Actually, I don't even have a title. I gave up and decided I'd write the post first and title it afterwards :]

Currently, I'm bouncing to the praise in "Say So." I am totally in love with the praise I encountered at Urbana. I loved how the praise was so alive. At first it was a little awkward because it was so different from what I'm used to, but I quickly fell in love with it. I found myself literally dancing while praising God. I missed it so much I seriously went through withdrawals in the two days I had to go through without the Urbana 2009 Worship CD. Even after getting the CD tracks, I wasn't satisfied. I wanted to expand my praise music library by including more praise songs from different languages :D So I actually looked up the two Indian praise songs that were sung at Urbana (one during worship, and one during Communion), and to my surprise...I found them! :D Guess what's been on repeat all day long on my itouch?? hahaha I know it's not the songs that mean anything, but I genuinely fell in love with the lyrics of these songs. They speak so much truth and are so raw that I feel they reflect so much of what's in my heart :]

I went to Disneyland today with two of my girlfriends from school. It'd been so long since we hung out, and I had a glorious time in the hour we were there together hahaha This is the beauty of having an annual pass-- we literally went to ride Tower of Terror and left hahaha I was able to share a lot of what's on my heart with these girls, something I'm finding more and more easy to do. I shared about my Urbana experience, what God's been showing me, and gently tried to speak truth to one of the girls. It's amazing how I feel such a difference in the way I interact with people in just the few short days. I owe it all to God's presence. I'm finding myself wanting to sleep early to get up early to spend time with God through QTs (see my other blog for those posts!)

A good friend asked me at Urbana if I was happy. At the time, I couldn't honestly and completely say "yes" because I knew I was seeking happiness in things of this world. Ask me now, and I can honestly say that I'm finding more and more happiness as the days go on and as I spend time with God. I hope this isn't just a phase. I'm determined to make it a lifestyle-- to live in His presence and find endless joy in Him.

If you see me walking around these days, you'll probably notice an extra bounce in my step. You'll see me smiling a little more, laugh a little louder and longer. I'm finding more patience with my kids at work, and I'm loving just being with people. But nothing...nothing beats meeting God in the early hours of the morning while listening to His name be praised in different languages :]

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, SAY SO!! :D

I AM REDEEMED!!!

Looking Ahead

2010-01-03T14:11:00.000-08:00

Urbana 2009 was an amazing experience. God revealed to me more about my heart than I think I wanted to know haha I guess I'll take this time to share a few of these revelations:

I've forgotten how to love God and His people. It's been a long time since I've truly been moved to worship God or desire to be in His presence. Ministry became obligation and work- sometimes I'd love it, sometimes I'd wish I could get out of it. My level of patience with people was thinning, and at times, I didn't bother to hide my irritation and frustration.
I'm comfortable. I've found this comfortable, little bubble in the Korean American Church. When I think about who my friends are, I realize that 95% of them are from my church. Greg Jao (the greatest Urbana Announcer ever!) pointed out that if we were to stay at Urbana, we would've have failed in our call to go out. In a similar way, I feel that I've failed to understand people who are different from me and even people who share the same heritage as me.
I plan, analyze, and think too much. I realized that I try to answer my own questions instead of allowing God to reveal them to me. I decided to read through Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest again this year, and in the reading for January 2nd, he writes that "God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is." The topic of the day was "Will You Go Without Knowing?" I was so struck by how I really seek foundation in what's in the world rather than depending on God to reveal things to me.

Those are just three things God really opened my eyes to see about myself. I believe He truly spoke to those of us who were at Urbana. I went without any expectations other than for God to show me what He wants me to understand, and did He ever! Some people went to Urbana to receive calling or confirmation about their calling. I went hoping to see God's hand directing me. I'm still not 100% sure how I'm to serve God's kingdom as I go into graduate school, but one thing that I feel God has placed in my heart is to grow in understanding of His people. It deeply bothered me that for the past three and a half years of my life, I settled in a community in which I was familiar and comfortable rather than making an effort to step out into other communities and better understand people from different backgrounds. I was so ashamed at how many times in a day stereotypes I have surfaced when I interacted with people and amazed at how each stereotype was shot down. God revealed to me how little love I have for others. Ultimately, He showed me how little I understand about His love and how little I love Him.

In all honesty, a lot of the trip was so hard. I found myself struggling to be joyful and patient, especially with those around me. In many ways, I felt like I was on a mission trip, except there were 20 other people on my team instead of just five or six others. I definitely felt the spiritual attacks as I struggled to apply what I was learning, and I know that it will not get easier.

I chose not to make resolutions for 2010 because I didn't want to simply make them for the year. I want change in my life-- miraculous, amazing, nobody-but-God-could-have-done-this change. That's not going to happen with measly new years resolutions, not for me anyways. But I did commit to searching for God and learning to love Him. I've been too much of a Martha and not enough of a Mary for far too long. I experienced God's presence through Scripture during the expositions and morning Bible studies, and I want so desperately to continue to meditate on His words to me. However, want is not enough. I need drive, discipline, and God's grace, too. I need to change the mindset I have that leads me to do things by my own willpower and strength. You'd think after so many failures, I'd get the picture, right? haha No, I always have to learn the hard way because I'm so stubborn and prideful. I think I've learned now, though, and the difficult part is the change. But whenever I become overwhelmed at just how much of a 180 I have to do, I'm comforted by God's promise to answer me when I call (Jeremiah 29:13, 33:3).

Bless the Lord, Oh my soul
Bless the Lord, Oh my soul
Bless the Lord, Oh my soul
Bless the Lord, Oh my soul!

Christmas Tidings

2009-12-25T14:06:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

Disappointment

2009-12-06T21:27:00.000-08:00

This past week I realized something. I realized that I expect too much out of people and think that people will not disappoint me.

How did I realize this? I was disappointed. Well, first I was frustrated and upset, but then I realized when it all settled down, the one word that came to mind to describe how I felt was disappointed. So, being the psychologist I am (haha, not) I asked myself, "Stephanie, why are you so disappointed?" The only answer I could come up with was "Because I expected more out of him/her." And thus begins my realization...

People are human. We're imperfect and sinful. We make mistakes. We make bad decisions. We don't always think before we speak or act. We don't always do the right thing after what we shouldn't have said or done. So why, pray tell, would any functional and right-minded individual place expectations in other people? Well, I thought it was safe. I thought I couldn't possibly be wrong in placing such expectations on him/her. But that's the thing, I was wrong.

I was wrong to place hope and expectation on people. I should've placed hope and expectation on Christ in these individuals. I should've placed hope and expectation on how Christ speaks to us and convicts us, on how He never fails us, on how He knows all that is to be said and is to come, and on how He has a perfect plan for every one of us. Then, I don't think I would've been disappointed. Then, instead of saying, "How could this person do this and say that?" I could say, "Christ knows and is still in control." Instead of saying, "I would never have expected that person to do this or say that" I could say, "I always know and have faith that Christ is in that person and will complete the good work He started in him/her, no matter what he/she does or says."

But I didn't. Instead, I was one of the people to disappoint myself. I forgot that not everyone shares the same opinions and beliefs as I do. I failed to remember that each person is unique. I judged others, I became angry, I became frustrated, and I sure as heck didn't exhibit the love that Christ showed me. And I'm still struggling with it. A part of me was tempted to make this entry all about how people disappointed me and how I can't seem to expect what I consider to be basic from people. And I still am tempted to delete this and just roll around in self righteousness. But instead, I chose to write about where I'm struggling and what I've learned. Honestly, I'm deeply hurt when someone disappoints me. I think I take it too personally when it isn't intended to be personal in any way. I need to stop expecting so much out of mere humans and look to God with that hope and faith.

Its About Time!

2009-12-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

Sighhh so I've been putting off an update because I can't seem to find the discipline to actually write. This always happens when something major happens to me -.-;; Here we go!!

UPDATE 1: Future Plans
I'm not going to go into the credential program. After a lot of prayer and God's handiwork, I've been led to make the decision to take a year off and then apply for PhD programs in Organizational Behavior. The details would take forever, but short-hand version: my neighbor is a business management professor at CSUF whose office happened to be next door to a brand new professor, who has an M.Div AND a PhD in Ogranizational Behavior. Meetings = questions answered = conviction. Thank you email --> reply email = invitation to possibly have a research assistant position in a study done by brand new professor = confirmation. It's crazy how God works :]

UPDATE 2: Answered Prayer
I was talking to Mrs. A today, and I realized that God answered my prayers by sending me in the direction of a PhD program late. I've been asking God to humble me, and that's exactly what this is going to do. I haven't time to prep for the PhD program, I can't get into the one class I really want to take to help prepare me for the PhD program, I have to take a year off, and I know I'm going to be challenged like crazy because of the PhD program. I forsee that somewhere along the line, I will truly learn to cling to God's grace and strength instead of relying on what I know I can do well. This humbling is something I think I desperately needed.

UPDATE 3: Turkey Bowl
For the third year in a row, our girls team fell out of the competition during playoffs. For the second year in a row, we fell out of the competition during our first series of playoffs in California overtime. I kind of thought about why this might be, and I couldn't help but wonder if we take football too much as a sport and not enough as a fellowship and ministry. Something to ponder about.

UPDATE 4: Day to Day Struggle
My heart isn't 100% into all that I do, I realized. Maybe it's because we're reaching that halfway point in the year with winter break and such, but I'm finding it harder and harder to be passionate about everything I do. My day goes by without much prayer or much reflection, and doing QT's is harder with that lack of passion; it's almost as if it's being done out of routine.

UPDATE 5: Resolutions
I just realized that I haven't met a single one of my New Years Resolutions from the beginning of this year. Time to start reflecting and brainstorming new ones as well as ways to stick with them -.-;;

Because My Eyes Twinkle

2009-11-15T00:47:00.000-08:00

My mom tells me that when I talk about something that excites me or something I love, my eyes twinkle. This is how I've been led to this dilemma: What will I do after I graduate from CSUF with a B.A. in Psychology?

For the past month, the prospect of doing something more than just teaching junior high math has danced through my head. It first raised it's head when my boss point blank challenged me to have a greater vision for my life, to tap into the potential I've been holding in reserve, and go through a graduate or doctoral program in a school that will demand 100% of my attention and energy. Then, for the first time in my life, my mom voiced her opinion that I may regret that I chose to teach yeas down the road. Of course my father's opinion hasn't changed on the matter at all since I was in grade school: "go to graduate school, law school, or something and work for the government."

For the past few years, I've planned to graduate with a B.A. in Psychology, take the Foundational Level Math CSET, go through the Single-Subject Credential program at CSUF, and teach junior high math. I received my calling to teach and educationally influence people just before my junior year of college. Now I'm beginning to think I jumped the gun on WHO to teach and WHAT to teach. I settled in a comfortable position where even my mediocre effort resulted in quality work. I'm juggling work, a full load of classes, Recomm, small groups, tutoring, football, and life at home all at once and still getting a GPA many students would kill for. I'm made to do more. I have what it takes to do more.

The question was what? That's where this one class I chose to take because my other options were gone comes into play. Industrial/Organizational Psychology is different from my other classes. I actually remember what's lectured on w/o having to read my notes. Without reading the book, I'm still getting an A on exams. And for the first time in my college career, I came home and told my mom, "This class is so interesting!" And she told me, "Your eyes are twinkling."

Organizational Behavior. That's what I'm looking at. Right now I'm balancing a credential to teach foundational level math against a PhD in OB to teach it at university level. I'm still teaching. Even if I weren't to formally teach it at a university level, I'd still be teaching in the workplace since that's what OB is all about. It's interesting to see how human behavior influences management, to figure out what policies are needed, and how to motivate people to engage in organizational commitment behavior.

The problem? Fear of failure, or at least what I think is failure. Fear of making this decision without God's direction and guidance. Fear of missing the opportune moment. Fear of finding out later on that OB isn't want I want to study.

People are telling me to pray. They're telling me to look for God's direction and His guidance. My question: How will I know what's from God and what's from myself? Already I feel like God's leading me in the direction of a doctoral degree. People I respect and look to for guidance, wisdom, and truth all direct me towards higher education; it all seems to fit. Even after I decided to teach math, I kept my major in Psychology, and as it turns out, this is to my advantage if I apply for any OB Doctoral program. My mom talked to my neighbor (who happens to be a professor of Management at CSUF) this week about my consideration of higher education, and he's the one who pointed out OB as what might interest me if I liked I/O Psych. I had a conference earlier this week with a professor who encouraged me by telling me that I have a calling to teach and a gift to teach. My attitude towards a teaching credential is comfortable and almost complacent. Pastor Jeff is speaking tomorrow on Work and Christianity and how we're called to work and be a witness in our workplace, especially in the secular world.

But if I go with this challenge, there are so many sacrifices. Four years of my life, at least, are going to be dedicated to this PhD program, and it's going to cost at least $200,000 to get it done. I may not get married until I'm 28 or so. I may have to stop working at SLC in the spring to make room for an internship that will give me experience with organizational behavior. So much at stake...my fear seems so rational. Can I really do this?

So for the grand total of 2 people that I know that actually read this, please pray for me. Never in my life have I faced such uncertainty and fear. It would be ideal if I could decide within two weeks. I'm trying to meet with my I/O Psych professor, who is also going to be my Psych Internship professor in the spring, to hear her suggestions, opinions, and advice on the matter. Pray that I may not fear something as trivial as failure or man's opinion of my indecisiveness. Pray that I may make a wise decision, a decision that will bring glory to God. Pray that when I make a decision, my eyes would twinkle with excitement and anticipation.

Epiphanies, anyone?

2009-11-10T21:27:00.000-08:00

Funny how you always end up wasting some time when you should be doing something productive. In today's case, I am updating my blog instead of studying more for my Industrial/Organizational Psychology Exam that will take place on Thursday. My reasoning and justification: I only have half a chapter left to go over before I can print the Excel file of a study guide/packet that I made. Yes...I really did make one. Ask, and I shall show you, but then you may never want to ask again, and you may think that I am a crazy person hahaha

So, my mood has lightened, and since my last post, I've had many moments of laughter and fun. I think part of the reason I'm updating is so that those of you who actually read this blog (maybe a total of three people) will know that I have come to my senses and am no longer wallowing in frustration and bitterness :] good news, right?

I had quite the many epiphanies over the weekend, so I shall share some of them with you :]

Do not settle for what's comfortable; don't look straight ahead but look up and see what's the next level in front of you.
It took me a while, but I realized that I don't think I want to teach children for the rest of my life. No, I think I want to do more than that-- something bigger, something more challenging, something more...hmmm difficult? I was challenged by two rather important people in my life to not settle for just a teaching credential to teach foundational level math. Instead, I was challenged to get a masters degree in education or even a doctorate in education and do something about the frustrations that I will face in the classroom. It may take me some time, and I might be well into my thirties before I move out of the classroom and into administration, but hey *shrugs* who knows? We shall see.

Life as I plan it will not unfold.
So, this is how my perfect life looks like: get my credential at 23, start dating around then, get married around 25, have my first kid (preferably twins HAHA) around 28, have a couple more over the course of a few years, and live happily ever after doing what I love. Right...now go back and strike a line through that. Life as I plan it will not come about. Life as God plans it will. And right now...I have absolutely, positively, hopelessly NO IDEA what He's got planned. Some people like that-- they're spontaneous, love surprises, and go wherever the wind leads. I, however, am not like that (minus the loving surprises part haha) Rather, I'm more of the "gotta know now" type of person. So, as you can probably imagine, not knowing is driving me nuts! Or well, it WAS driving me nuts. Now it's just pushing me nuts, but I'm learning to stand against the nuttiness and just accept it for what it is: God is in control, not me. End of story.

I have a rather unrealistic view of men.
in my mom's words, I basically want "God in a man." Thought about it for a while, and I realized that she's totally right. Of course, that's not to say to lower my expectations, but I think it means changing my focus onto two very important things: his love for God and his character. On top of that, I need to be more encouraging and supportive-- be more like the woman that God intended for us women to be-- the perfect helper. I could explain, but that'll take a year and a half (and a very, very long post) Want the answer? Turn to the Bible, fools!

I don't want to graduate.
I got an email today that said, "Congratulations! You are now a candidate to graduate!" In layman's terms this means "Congratulations! You are now about to end the best four years of your life and enter the real world!" Sighhh there's so much I wanted to do that I never did. There's so many classes I wanted to take that I never did. Story of my life-- there's ALWAYS more of what I want to do that I can't do. Urg.

Yes, I realize that this entry had absolutely no flow of thought. It's more like bouncing from idea bubble to idea bubble. My apologies. Now you kind of know what it's like to be in my head hahaha

Questions and Answers

2009-11-05T23:38:00.000-08:00

Question: If I doubt someone's sincerity, is it my bad to lack faith in that person or should that person be understanding?
Answer: I think there's a middle ground. I have to admit, there are times when I question a friend's love. My mom thinks my receiving love language is words of affirmation, but the more I examine my relationship with people, the more I think that it's quality time coupled with words of affirmation. I noticed that people can tell me that they love me, but if they don't invest time into our friendship, I question how genuine and sincere they are. I don't think I'm the clingy type-- it's not like I have to talk to people I love every, single day. But I do think that there has to be a deeper relationship than just "I love you!" I noticed that when people don't follow through with what they say, my doubt of their consideration and love for me increases. However, I think to some degree, I have to be understanding, too? Funny...I think I feel more hurt than understanding.

Question: Why do you cry when you're frustrated?
Answer: I think it's because you're overwhelmed. Most of the time, when people point things out to me that aren't quite what they should be about myself, I already know it. I guess having it pointed out reminds me of it, and no matter how much I try to work at it, I feel like I'm a hamster just running in that little wheel that goes around and around. It's good to be reminded of my weaknesses because it's humbling, but at the same time, it's really frustrating to have people (literally) remind you back to back, day after day. Thankfully, the opinions of those who I hold of importance remind me gently and try to encourage me.

Question: Can you expect friends to remember your insecurities and do what they can to diminish them?
Answer: You should be able to. However, I've found that you cannot always have such an expectation. Sometimes expectations are an equation for disappointment. Fortunately, I've been blessed with people in my life who go beyond expectations I have.

Question: Is it better not to care or to care too much?
Answer: Neither. Caring just the right amount is the best. I'll let you know if I ever perfect this...

Question: Is it better to be answer a question when asked or offer an answer by choice?
Answer: right now...I think it's better to answer a question when asked. Sometimes people don't appreciate your opinion, don't care for it, or won't understand it. Two things happen if this is the case. One, you're really hurt. Two, you don't feel like you want to talk to that person again. So, it's better to avoid the situation by not saying anything unless asked. I'll tell you one thing, though-- if you ask me, I'll give you my honest response, but be careful...you might not like my answer.

Question: What usually causes a rift in a friendship?
Answer: Lack of understanding, miscommunication, boyfriend/girlfriend, changes in interests, busy schedules, new friends, pride, stubbornness, jealousy, annoyance.

Question: Do I have doubts and questions, and do I share them with people?
Answer: Isn't it obvious? I have a lot of doubts right now...and judging from this entry, a lot of questions as well. I don't really share them with people, though. Partly, I simply choose not to because I don't want to (this is especially true if you're a guy). Also, I simply may not trust you. Nothing personal, but if you haven't caught on yet-- I have trust issues. Granted, that's not an excuse I should use, so I won't use it. I think rather than confiding in every person I knew, I'm going to confide in a couple people who I feel I can count on to be there for me through it all and at the same time turn to God with my doubts and questions. Hopefully this'll help me learn to depend more on God rather than people.

Such is the life and thought process of a college senior who's life seems to have been turned upside down and inside out. I always feel like I'm being watched, scrutinized, compared, judged, evaluated, and at times, dismissed. As I'm getting older, I find myself wondering who my true friends are, who I can really count on, and who demonstrate that will always be there-- not just say that they'll be there. I find myself questioning myself and why I do and say things. I find myself asking questions like, "What do I have to offer those around me?", "Would it make a difference if I did (or didn't) do/say this?" and "Do I care enough or too much?" Is this an example of how they say that a person doesn't fully develop until his/her early-mid twenties, or am I just thinking too much?

One thing I'm working on is talking less and listening more. Yeah, they're the obvious reasons, to be a better listener, etc etc blah blah, but I don't think that's my primary reason. I want my words to count, and as of late-- I don't feel like they amount to much. Therefore, going with the good, old established understanding that the more rare something is the more valuable it is, I want my words to become like diamonds. Plus, it'll help me filter out what needs to be said and what doesn't as well as when and where to say it. I think another reason why is because I want to be able to tell if someone follows through with what they say. If I'm busy talking, then how the heck am I going to be able to listen AND observe behavior? This'll help either support some notions I have, or it'll produce evidence that'll show me that I'm being stupid. We shall see :]

This post kind of sounds really self-centere, cynical and bitter. I think a part of me is, and that part of me wants to say that it's my blog and you don't have to read it if you don't want to. The other part of me recognizes that this isn't the way to react. However, I promised myself that I'd be honest with what I write, and I think this is a good example of how life is not always a bed of roses-- I'm not always sure about myself, I'm not always positive and happy, I'm not always willing to be optimistic. This is me slightly wallowing in frustration and hurt. It doesn't get more transparent than this. So, please, if you don't like what you're reading, for now...keep it to yourself. Give me a few days, and I'm sure I'll come to my senses-- I always do. After all, God always has a way of knocking some sense into me and humbling me.

Sunshine Moments During Pick Ups

2009-11-02T21:14:00.000-08:00

So I love working at SLC, but sometimes, the least desirable part of the day is doing pick ups. I usually enjoy pick ups b/c it gives me a chance to get to know some of the kids. Plus, they finally realize that I'm not one of the junior high kids as many of the younger kids think bwahahaha The reason I don't like doing pick ups is because of the parking/car situation at practically every single school. The worst is Eliott, George Miller, Oxford, and of course, Mary Bragg. Good grief, they need to build wider roads around schools!!

In any case, today I had what would probably be my favorite pick up schedule-- Walker Jr. High, Cawthon Elementary, and Oxford Academy. I think it's Karin Lee that makes it so enjoyable for me haha she's always bright and cheerful! It's always such an encouragement to see her smiling face and hear her high-pitched, "Hi, Miss Lee!" when I pick her up hahaha Today was no exception, but unlike some other days, I had more moments during pick up that made me smile.

After picking up Karin from Walker, I went to Cawthon Elementary to pick up Ted. Karin and I parked and went to his classroom to get him because this guy takes FOREVER to come out. While walking back to the car, I noticed that Ted was walking with his head down again-- he always does that. So I tipped his head up and said to him, "Hey! you have to walk with your head up or else no one can see your beautiful face!" His response to me? "EWWWWWWWWW!!!!" haha Karin and I laughed and I tried to smooth things over in the now distraught elementary school student. "Okay, what about handsome face?" .... "EWWWWW!!!!" But I could see the corners of his mouth turn up as he tried to hide his smile.

We got back to the car, and as I was pulling out of the parking lot, Ted goes, "Ewwww! I stepped on some kind of substance!" hahaha you have to understand that Ted is only in 4th grade, kind of emo-looking, and usually has a very limited vocabulary like any other kid his age. To hear him use the word "substance" like that, and out of the blue, too only made me laugh. I asked him what it was, and his response? "I don't know! But it's got white hair in it! Ewwwww!!!" toooo cute hahaha I commented on how he likes to say the word "Ew" so much, and he informs me, "I don't know why I say it, I just do." hahahaha typical 4th grade answer :P

As we made our way to pick up Ted's older brother, Brian, from Oxford, we had this interesting conversation:

me: Ted, is your real name Theodore?
Ted: No! Who told you that?
me: No one, I just think it is.
Ted: It isn't!
me: Hm...Okay, but I'm going to call you Theodore from now on, alright? Like in Alvin & the Chipmunks.
Ted: NOO!!! He's FAT!!!

Nevermind the fact that he could've argued and demanded to be called by his real, given name Ted. Nevermind the fact that Theodore is both Karin and my favorite of the three chipmunks. Ted just zeroed in on the fact that Theodore is fat! hahahahaha mind you, Ted, is ridiculously thin. Maybe now we know why :P

We got to Oxford Academy to pick up Brian, and miraculously, he's walking out to the area where he waits for us. Lagging must run in the family because Brian is infamous for being late, too hahaha He complained once that my tinted windows makes it hard for him to tell if it's me picking him up or his friend's mom picking up his friend, so I rolled my windows down before pulling up to the curb. This adolescent boy was walking towards the waiting area with two girls. I nudged Karin and said, "I should shout out 'STOP FLIRTING BRIAN AND GET IN THE CAR!' huh, Karin?" Karin laughed at my teasing, but Ted didn't catch it-- he suddenly came alive and said, "Do it, Miss Lee! Do it!" When I only laughed and shook my head, Ted started shouting out "BRIAN!!! BRIAN!!!" knowing he could embarass his brother. Brian came up and opened the back passenger door to get in, and of course, the payback came-- he practically squashed his brother while getting into the car. If you had been standing outside of my car, you would hear something like this:

"BRIAN! BRIAN!" *door opening and grunting of someone exagerating the difficulty of getting into a car* "HEY! HEY! YOU'RE SQUISHING ME! HEY!"

On the way back to SLC, I revived Brian's nickname, B.Oh., learned Ted & Brian's oldest brother's nickname is P.Oh.Box, had to settle a dispute between the Oh brothers about why Brian's unwanted Halloween candy couldn't go to Ted, and had to repeatedly tell Brian not to shout into the ear of the sleeping Karin.

Such are the adventures of picking up Walker Jr. High, Cawthon Elementary, and Oxford Academy. Now you know why I do pick ups despite the crazy Asian lady driving I encounter at each school I go to :]

Mind that Temper

2009-10-29T23:27:00.001-07:00

I like to think that I'm a person who doesn't get angry very often. If you're thinking "HA! yeah right..." let me just clarify that frustration and anger are not the same thing. I get frustrated quite often, but that's another story in and of itself.

Several things happen when I get angry:

I cry. Don't ask me why, I just do. I think it's because I'm so angry that I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just tear up, sometimes I straight up cry a river.
I'm silent. Not the best thing to do, but sometimes I fear that if I opened my mouth to say something, I'll say something I'll regret. Other times, I think it's b/c I get SO angry that I don't know what to say! This usually only happens when I'm REALLY angry.
I yell. I know, contradicts #2, but this happens if I'm angry AND frustrated.

I was tempted to get angry today. I felt that I had all the reason to be pissed. But for some reason, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 popped into my head. "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Be joyful always.... as hard as this is when you're angry, our anger, however justified, is not an excuse to sin against someone. This sin can be through a thought, an action, or something you say. "Even in your anger do not sin" ~Ephesians 4:26

Pray continually.... the LAST thing on my mind when I'm angry is to pray, but it is especially when I'm angry that I should pray. No, not pray "God will you smite ______ for doing ________ to me!" but rather "God, I am freaking pissed at __________ and it's really hard for me to be loving when I'm angry. Will you please help me by reminding me of your love for me and ________."

Give thanks in all circumstances.... I don't know about you, but when I'm angry, I sure as heck am not giving thanks. In fact, when I'm angry, I'm grumbling-- grumbling against whoever angered me, grumbling about my situation, grumbling about whatever it may be that put me in such an angered state. Definitely a challenge to tackle.

For this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus... when I asked myself, "well WHY do I have to be joyful, prayerful, and thankful?" I remember the last part of these verses. God's will for us in to glorify and honor Him. How will I be doing that if I'm too busy busting a crazy on the person who angered me? How do I exemplify the love that I've received in my anger? God in His anger against my sin didn't retaliate and attack. Instead, he sent His Son to die for me, in my place, to take my sins, and clothe me in righteousness.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense haha I'm not even sure all of this is Biblical or doctrinally sound. But there's a part of me that feels at peace about making such bold declarations about this verse in light of being angered. Now the question is, can I take it from here *points to head* and make it happen here *points to heart*

Food for Thought

2009-10-27T00:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I wonder how a religion can have so many discrepancies...

Jevin send me this link to read. After reading it, I felt that the whole prospect of the "Prosperity Gospel" is questionable. I had heard about this before, but I didn't really think much of it. My concern is for the incredibly large population of this South Korean church-- 750,000 members. It kind of makes me think about Joel Osteen's church in Texas...

I believe that God will bless us, but I don't think that the Prosperity Gospel has the right image of it. I fear for the Christians who join a church that preaches this gospel-- what if they hit a really rough patch in their life? How does that factor into the gospel they believe in, that God will bless them with money, good health, and spiritual blessings? Where is the gospel in that? John Piper really speaks out with conviction in this video, also sent to me by Jevin.

God didn't say life would be easy as a Christian. He didn't say life would be a bed of roses or that you'd be free of suffering. In fact, He said the complete opposite -- "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you." ~1 Peter 4:12

But, God does give us hope. He promises never to leave us -- "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." ~ Psalm 23:4

"God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him in the midst of loss, not prosperity." ~ John Piper

Take the story of Job. Consider the story of Ruth. Think of Paul's many imprisonments, stonings, and beatings. Remember the stories of the martyrs. Look at the life of pastors! Men and women who fear God, who live for God. All who have suffered at one point or another in their lives. To them, the gospel wasn't about prosperity. They didn't need anything or anyone else. God was enough.

October Cleaning

2009-10-26T01:51:00.001-07:00

This is probably the 5th time I've clicked on the "write new blog" icon and started typing a blog entry. However, unlike the last 4 times, I think I'll actually post this one. It's been a while...and I think it's time to clean out those corners of my mind...

This past week was so relaxing. I guess amidst the painful budget cuts at school, one of the perks is this week-long furlough that was mandated. Technically, it was only a Tuesday-Thursday furlough, but since my classes are only on Tuesday & Thursday, it was like having an extra week of break. I thought that perhaps my online class' professors would assign stuff, but turns out that they took advantage of these furloughs, too. Needless to say, I pretty had a mini fall break hahaha

I feel like God knew I needed this time-- time to rest, time to catch up with some friends, time to invest into my family group and Recomm, time to think and time to reflect. The week before was so overwhelming with midterms. I don't think I'd ever been that stressed about school. Of course, it was unnecessary stress since I ended up getting A's on all of my midterms-- Praise God! But yeah, this past week has been unbelievably great-- like a breath of fresh air or a dose of much-needed medicine.

God truly knows what you need and when you need it. Sometimes, I think I forget this simple truth. I become so absorbed in having it my way, getting the answers I want when I want them, and always having control. One thing I think God really tried to tell me this week is that I need to really look for Him for answers and trust that His timing truly is perfect. So much of my future is unclear. Will I go on full time missions? Will I just live in another country and be a tent-maker? Will I even pass my CSET in January? Will I go on missions again this summer? Will I ever get married, and if so, WHO am I going to marry? I realized that all of these questions are so unnecessary. There's no point in worrying over them because God isn't going to reveal anything to me before the appointed time. As a little frustrating as that may be, I think that perhaps the reason why He doesn't give me answers now is because they'd be more a distraction than encouraging, especially the answer to that last question.

I don't know why my mind seems to be so preoccupied with dating/marriage/etc. Maybe it's because of Pastor John's wedding this past Saturday. Maybe it's because my cousin Daniela just gave birth to her daughter, Melanie Aubrey Lee. Maybe it's because somewhere deep down inside of me, I fear that if God calls me out into a mission field, I'll never get married like my aunt. Maybe it's because I feel that I will always struggle with submitting to men. Maybe it's because I doubt that I'll ever be able to keep God in the center of a godly relationship, or to have a godly relationship at all! But as a good friend pointed out to me, these are all things I can bring up to God in prayer. It's kind of weird to be praying to God about someone I may not have even met or someone I don't even know as more than an acquaintance, but I figure there can definitely be no harm in it! haha Besides, it's a good way to pass the next couple of years, right? :]

Urbana is coming up soon. I'm really excited, but at the same time kind of afraid. I know that God has called people I know into full-time ministry or missions at Urbana. It must be something about the gathering of thousands of believers who are passionate about missions from all over the world that God moves into action and calls His people. I have to admit that there's a part of me that wonders if He'll give me a clear calling this winter. I kind of feel like there can't be a coincidence that I'll be flying to Oman, a Islamic country, only a week after returning from Urbana. And then there's talk about STEM looking to go to Turkey or Egypt this year for missions. After coming back from Japan, I felt that God wasn't calling me to go back. I kind of sensed that my first two mission trips were to open my eyes and show me how great of a need there is for God's love all over the world. As a result, I felt that God wasn't calling me to go back to Japan again unless it was for full-time missions. Hence, I wasn't considering STEM this summer. However, at the mention of these countries of Islamic people, I suddenly wanted to go and see what was out there. Maybe it has to do with the fact that my aunt recieved her calling to be a full-time missionary reaching out to Muslim women after her first mission trip to Turkey, which apparently happened to be soon after she went to Urbana herself. Sighhh I'm still so confused. But, I trust that God will make known to me all that I need to know in His own time...He's already done that this week for me regarding something completely different...

Perseverance?

2009-10-10T00:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged. It's not that there's nothing going on in my life, but it's that there's so much going on in my life that if I sat down to blog it, I'd probably fail all my online classes because it'd take so long to write everything out! Whew...

I'm struggling to keep things in perspective. We're halfway through the semester-- time seems to be crawling by, but at the same time, it feels like it's going by so fast! My week is a blur of school, work, and ministry.

Central East Recomm leaders met with PJ on Tuesday. It was a very long meeting. We even had to stop in the middle and go pick up Stella from her night class. If it were anyone else, I probably would've objected, but there is something about leaving our pregnant 사모님 to wait at her school at 9:00 P.M. that didn't sit well with us. After coming back to church, we just sat in PJ's car-- PJ and Stella up front, Mark, me and David in the back. It was a cozy environment for such a serious meeting. We even accidently drained the battery on PJ's car b/c David opened the back passenger door and didn't close it properly!

I kind of felt like that battery. Not necessarily drained, but more like in danger of being exhausted. I'm tired! Funny thing for me to complain about while up at 1:00 A.M. writing a blog entry, isn't it? haha I'm mentally tired. I'm constantly thinking about school, about my kids at work, about our Recomm members, and about my small group girls. Those four things literally dominate my cognitive processes on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes, I just want time to stop, so I can catch my breath. Maybe this is what Paul(?) meant when he urges us to "run with perseverance the race marked out for us" (Hebrews 12:1).

Perseverance. What equates to perseverance? Love. "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres" (1 Corinthians 13:7). Interesting...I did this chapter as a QT with my small group girls on Tuesday morning at school. I was actually really surprised that all of them showed up, but it truly was a blessing :]

If I ask myself why I persevere, my first answer would be because I fear failure. My second answer would be because I want to complete whatever was entrusted to me. And my third answer would may barely scratch the surface of love. I must learn to persevere because of love-- to love my SLC students, my Recomm brothers and sisters, my small group. But I know my heart, and it is a pathetic excuse for one. I don't have the love that it takes to persevere. I don't have even have the love that it takes to just be kind! No...I can't rely on my own heart. So, once again, I'm brought to the foot of the cross, and I look up to see the ultimate act of love. I'm being taught what it means to live in that love and love with God's love. Maybe then, when I persevere because I truly love...maybe then, I won't feel like a burned out car battery.

Simply Listening

2009-09-26T12:40:00.000-07:00

So, last night was our annual Prayer Night to kick off the school year. Of course, we ran it on UC schedule, so it's a bit into the semester schools' academic schedule. No matter, though. It was still one really blessed night :]

I went into the night really feeling burdened. I had so much on my mind-- things about school, about ministry, about friends, about my future, and of course my own walk with God. It was so hard to focus on just worshiping God. At one point, PJ asked us to really repent for pride, and that's when it kind of hit me. All my worrying, all my stressing out, everything...it was all because of my pride. I'd tell myself that God would take care of it, but I didn't take the time to really lay all my burdens at His feet and simply cry out, "I can't do this. You need to do it."

I spent a good portion of the night just pouring out my fears, worries, and burdens. I told God how tired I am, how I feel like I can't do what He's called me to do this year, and how I'm scared of burning out and failing to love others. Then, strangely, I just asked Him to speak to me. All I said was, "God, I'm listening. Please, just speak to me and show me what You want me to see."

I have to admit I kind of expected a voice from heaven or some divine intervention, but God really did speak to me in the quiet whispers of my heart. He gave me Jeremiah 29:11 to comfort me, and slowly, it seemed as if He unveiled His purpose for every situation I'm in right now. All the things I was struggling with suddenly became more understandable and more bearable. I left really feeling at peace and just simply comforted. I had taken everything and finally laid it at His feet and cried, simply cried because I was so frustrated and tired. I think that's what He was waiting for me to do. It wasn't until I simply broke before Him that He could tell me, "Stephanie, you're not alone. You can't do this, but I'm with you. Just be available to me."

I see so much that God is trying to teach me-- to love others, to be completely dependent on Him without a shred of self-reliance, to be more gentle, to do His work from behind the scenes, and to simply pray. I think it's going to be a difficult year. I know it's going to be a challenging year. But, something has changed. I've realized there's something greater than bustling about and doing work. I'm learning to simply listen at His feet. May I truly learn to be a Mary in this Martha world.

Commitment to God

2009-09-23T02:01:00.001-07:00

I have discovered that I truly am a hopeless romantic.

This actually explains a lot-- why I can't watch sappy korean dramas, why I have a hard time reading sappy manga, why I roll my eyes and scoff when girls daydream over their perfect wedding, why I just shrug my shoulders when people ask for my opinion on the sweetest thing a guy could do, why I linger on the fringe whenever stories about proposals are being shared, and most of all...why I joke about never getting married. I desperately don't want to lost my head in the clouds.

This is why, I promise God that I will not date until 23. Two years. I have two years to learn to have self control and a level head. My head is reeling with logical explanations as to why this is such a good decision, but my heart is terrified. Of course I've gone through my share of "what if's" -- "what if a guy comes along and shows interest?" or "what if you start to like a guy and he returns the feelings?" or "what if you miss your one and only chance with someone?"

Sometimes making a commitment to God is the scariest thing because you know that He's going to hold you to it. I am scared, but my fear is not greater than my God. People asked me why I decided to refrain from dating until I'm 23. I gave my share of answers. "I'm sick of guys not knowing what they want." "I want to focus on school." "I want to pour all I have into ministry." And all these responses are true to some degree. However, I think ultimately, the reason I committed to singlehood for at least another 2 years if because I am not ready to date.

No matter how hard I try, the guy interest in my life always seems to override God's position in my life, and we all know how destructing that is. God is a jealous God. He wants my entire heart, not what's left over. He wants to be the center of my life, not one of the two central pillars. And I do not have the self control, the discipline, nor the love for God that can keep a man in second place. I simply don't. That scares me more than never getting married. To know that my heart is so sinful that if can easily make an idol out of a significant other is more frightening than than spending the rest of my life single and dying an old maid with a million cats. To know that God is not grounded and cemented in my heart as my Lord scares me.

I want to spend the next two years learning to love God-- learning to love Him so much that nothing could take His place. I shared this commitment to various friends in the past month or so, but until now, it was a promise I made to myself, partly out of hurt and frustration. But now I take this commitment one step further, and I make this commitment to God. I know He will hold me accountable.

I, Stephanie Lee, commit my singlehood to God until, but not limited to, August 16, 2011. No matter what my heart tells me, what my feelings are, what his feelings are, what his intentions are, whether he'll wait or not, whether I'll have another chance or not, or for any other reason, I will not break my commitment to singlehood.

Medicine of Sleep

2009-09-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

I have figured out the cure to preventing an illness when you feel it coming: sleep

To be more accurate, the remedy would look more like this:
go to bed @ 8:30 P.M. and sleep until 9:30 A.M. the following day
wake up and do something (in my case it was church) until 3:30 P.M. then sleep until 5:00 P.M.
wake up and do something (eating sushi @ Kitajima) until midnight, then sleep until 8:00 A.M.

So all in all, of the past 37 hours or so, roughly 23 hours were spent sleeping. I think I would've slept earlier than midnight last night, but I did have 3 cups of green tea...yeah, don't ever do that. one-1.5 cups should be a max-- that thing has SO much caffeine!

I can't remember the last time I slept that much. It's funny how that works, because I only took 3 doses of medicine in the 37 hours when I should've taken more like 8 doses. All of this confirms that my hypothesis that I got sick because of stress.

That's not necessarily the best diagnosis for several reasons:

It's only the 5th week of our semester-- 11 more long weeks to go!
I usually get stressed out often.
This usually means I will begin to lose weight in a very unhealthy manner soon...

Now, I feel better than I did going to bed Saturday night, but I feel like I'm sitting on the fence ready to topple over into either the "healthy & safe" side or the "go see a doctor" side. That's no bueno. I can't afford to bank on sleep anymore since the week has started, so all I can do is take tylenol cold religiously and pray that I do not get really sick.

I kind of got to wondering why I got sick. I mean, timing couldn't have been worse. Japan teams were presenting yesterday, Recomm Bible studies are going to start this week, I've got a gripload of work for my classes due this week, and I've just started to figure out how to manage everything. I think it was God's way of saying, "Stephanie, slow down and pay attention to me first!" I'm slowly starting to climb out of this hole I just realized I was beginning to sink into. Maybe when I get out, I'll be stronger and more faithful than when I fell in.

Determined to Not Be Shaken

2009-09-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

I found my new repeat song :] I heard it on the Fish as I was driving from football practice to church to meet my Japan team. I liked it so much I actually took out my phone while driving and made a note with some of the lyrics, so I wouldn't forget it haha Of course the first thing I did when I got to church was bust out my laptop and try to get internet connection so I could find the title of the song and download it on iTunes. And of course none of the church's wireless routers wanted to work properly because I was in Vision Plaza and not INSIDE the church. So I waited until I got to Biola to find the song. Bad move. What internet keeps you waiting 15 minutes to download a song these days?! Stupid Biola internet....if so many of us didn't study here, I'd boycot it! HA! In any case, I thought I'd share with whoever reads this blog the song that brought me so much encouragement today :] Hence, it has become my new repeat song hahaha

"You're Not Shaken" by Phil Stacey

I am sinking in the river that is raging
I am drowning
Will I ever, rise to breathe again
I wanna know why
I just wanna understand
Will I ever know why?
How could this be from Your hand?

/Chorus/
When every little thing that I dream of being just slips away like water through my hands
And when it seems the walls from my beliefs come crashing down like they’re all made of sand
I won’t, let go of You now
because I know, oh, You’re not shaken

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers
So grip me while I’m here
And I may never know why
Oh I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes,
and trust this is Your plan

I know You’re in the valley
of the shadow of death

You’re not shaken
You’re not shaken

I have a confession to make. I did exactly 1 QT this week. I really don't have an excuse. I just didn't wake up early enough or made the time or the effort to carry around my journal and Bible. Last night was the first leaders' meeting I've been to since last May. I was once again reminded just how much I need God and how little I can do on my own. I am super overwhelmed. My cortisol levels are so high I think it's literally making me get sick. sighhh Nothing like a good ol' leaders' meeting to bring me back into the presence of God and put me back in my place :]

Chaos in the Mind

2009-09-17T00:33:00.000-07:00

One thing I hate about growing older is that the development of crazy metacognition skills. Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if you didn't stop, replay the past however hours or days of your life and reflect on them. It's a very 답답한 feeling when you reflect on something and end up kind of wishing you could turn back time and do something differently.

I'm beginning to realize that I really don't do well under stress. Actually, no, I do very well under stress when it comes to getting stuff done. I kind of thrive on deadlines, due dates, piles of work, and crunch time. However, when you throw people into that mix, it's not a pretty sight. I am very task-oriented, and it takes a lot of effort to be people-oriented in general. So when I'm stressed, I'm often very unwilling to try to be people-oriented. I think this is best reflected in how I handle ministry, especially Recomm. Today was such a bad day. Not bad in the sense that it was horrible and everything went wrong, but it was bad in the sense that the levels of stress I had was bad hahaha Work was so crazy because there was writing class, and I had to travel with my non-writing class students during 6th grade writing class time into the 7th grade classroom. From 3:30-7:00 P.M. my stress level went from "managable" to "barely managable" and then from "mayday mayday!" to "tapping into mental energy reserve." Afterwards was Recomm. Oh, gosh, I was on such a short fuse tonight. Every little thing seemed to pluck at my already-tense and already-stressed brain. It's a good thing that I don't have class on Wednesday, otherwise, it'd be like D-Day every Wednesday...

I can't do this. I cannot keep my head on straight and manage everything. It is slowly driving me insane! I can lie to myself all I want and say, "No worries, I got this," and maybe, I can get it done. Actually, I won't rest until it does get done. But that doesn't mean that I will be in the best mental shape or be the most emotionally sensitive to others. That in and of itself really bothers me. My mom always used to say to me, "Stephanie, you get so caught up in what YOU need to do and what YOUR priorities and YOUR agenda is that you seriously don't care what happens to others along the way." I used to think she was totally wrong, but I think now that I'm older and I've developed this metacognition, I can see some truth to it.

I think it comes down to two major issue. Trust and pride. I simply can't bring myself to trust others to hand over different "items" from my "plate." Then, when I think I can trust them enough to hand it over, if it doesn't turn out exactly the way I'd like, pride raises it's ugly head. Then there's more mental energy that is exerted into squashing any thoughts that sound like "maybe I should've just done it myself." I have trouble trusting people who I've experienced to not be what I expected them to be. So then, is it that I have too high of expectations for others? Or is it that I have the wrong expectations? Should I have expectations at all? Where do I draw the line of which expectations are necessary and which are setting me up for disappointment?

I think the hardest thing about being the only sister leader in our Recomm is that my mind functions differently than the mind of my brother co-leaders. Sometimes, I feel like I'm always the one to delegate tasks and ask the brother leaders to do things. I don't like this for two reasons. First, sometimes I feel like I'm giving them assignments or bossing them around, and I don't want to do that. This is partly because I know guys hate it when girls tell them what to do. Even if they don't admit it, somewhere deep inside of them, it doesn't sit well-- and it shouldn't sit well. This is also partly because I don't want to feed the nasty reputation that I have of being "bossy" and "controlling. Secondly, it blurs the line between being patient enough to give them the opportunity to see what needs to be done so they can take initiative and gently guiding them to see what is needed. Gently is the key word there-- "gentleness" is not a word that would be used to describe my attributes. It anything, it's one of the biggest fruit of the Spirit that I lack. I'm very rough around the edges, and I say things as they are. Sometimes that's a good thing, but a lot of the time it's not a good thing. I knew it'd be pretty hard to be the only sister leader and to have the strongest personality of the four of us, but I didn't realize the extent of this challenge. I seriously find myself asking God, "WHY do you always do this to me?"

Of course I know why. It's so that I can be humbled, so that I can learn, so that I can be stretched, so that I can grow, so that I can be molded and shaped into a useful vessel. But sometimes, I seriously want to just say, "STOP! Can you please just stop for a little bit so I can catch my breath!" I feel like I've been thrown overboard during a storm at sea. I barely have enough time to come up out of the water to take another deep breath before another wave comes crashing over me. Sighhh...story of my life. Then, of course, the last thing I want to do is hear people point all these things out to me. Half the time, I'm confused about whether they point it out to me with my best interest in mind or because they are also irritated. I do wonder, and I'm pretty sure I have good reason to wonder this since I struggle with that, too. The worst is when people pick the wrong time to point out where you went wrong, what you're not doing correctly, or whatever mishap you were involved in. The worst time to address these things with me is when I'm already upset and tense. Granted, I know that's not an excuse to blow up or become even more upset, but if you should choose to address problems with me when I am upset, please be wise about how you go about doing it.

Dang. The chaos that was ensuing in my brain is slowly coming to a simmer instead of boiling. I'm exhausted-- mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm angry, but I don't know what I'm angry about or who/what my anger is directed to. All I know is that I need to sleep, and so that is what I'm off to do. Good Night.

Drama Drama Drama

2009-09-15T22:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Drama,

Why didn't you just stick with being a genre or a movie? Why couldn't you just remain as a theatrical performance? Why in the world did you have to enter the lives of people and wreck havoc wherever you go? Why must you overwhelm me and cause me such painful headaches? Why do you burden my heart and afflict those I care for? You couldn't just stick within high school, could you? You had to sink as low as sixth grade and raise your nasty flame up to college students. If I could have it my way, everyone's life would be free of you. No one would have to cry because of you. No one would have to be unsure of themselves, jealous, or worried. Drama, you do a nasty thing to people. You have the ability to turn them into incredibly selfish creatures. You heighten all their emotions and drown out all logical thought. You cause rumors, and you're fed by rumors. You cause problems, and those problems fuel your existence. I hate your existence. Please go find other people to bother, and leave the ones I love and care about alone. Thanks.

I am officially overwhelmed. God showed me today just how much I need to pray. Sometimes, when I think about all the things that burden my heart, I think that praying about every single thing would take up all my energy and 23 hours of my 24-hour day. Well, I guess it's time to get started.

Trying Vs. Training

2009-09-13T18:53:00.000-07:00

PJ gave an awesome message today. I seriously felt like he was delivering a message from God to me.

Training = Discipline + Diet + Drive

I can definitely use this in multiple aspects of life.

Discipline
Definitely need to be disciplined to spend time with God. It's funny because I know that He's making the time for me. My assignments aren't taking as long as I gauge them to take, I actually get up early in the morning if I need to get to school for parking, and I've got all this free time on my hands when I get there. But, I'm definitely lacking the discipline to open up the Bible and spend time with Him.
Definitely need to be disciplined for school. This one is actually a little better than the other aspects of life. I'm usually pretty good about being on top of things. But, there are times when I put things off, and when I do, I end up not giving it my best or missing an opportunity to fellowship with friends or just spend time with family.
Definitely need to be disciplined in personal health. Football practice didn't totally own me yesterday, but I am sore. We didn't even do any physical contact stuff, either! Just goes to remind me how undisciplined I've been about staying in shape and staying physically healthy. Emotional health is much better, though :] So far, so good-- staying true to my commitment of no dating til 23.

Diet
This is probably the most self explanatory for physical health haha the coaches are on us about staying healthy, so starting tomorrow, I will eat healthy lol Besides, being in good physical shape can make all the difference for all other aspects of life. As far as having a healthy spiritual diet, again, that goes back to reading the Word. And at this time I would like to say *ahem* "THANK YOU, BILLY KIM!" He made us an awesome Bible reading schedule that is tailored specifically to our E-College students! Woohoo!!

Drive
Drive is not the same as desire. Drive is greater than desire. Drive is what keeps you persistent, what helps you endure, what pushes you to keep going despite the frustration and pain. Drive in my spiritual life means remembering what I'm running this race for, why I'm leading small groups, why I'm leading Recomm, why I'm serving in E-College, why I'm here on earth. No matter how painful, how stressful, or how crazy it can be. If I'm not striving and laboring in all areas of life, then I'm not being driven. ... I think I'm gonna regret saying that when I get to next week's football practice hahahaha

Saturday afternoons

2009-09-12T13:53:00.001-07:00

So, I'm sitting in Biola University's library. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but obviously that's not happening. It really sucks when you get an assignment that you are totally second-guessing yourself on. I hate that. I like being sure about what I'm doing hahaha

I realized that sometimes, though, you can't be sure. Sometimes, you need to rely on something other than your brains. So, the question, I guess, is: what do you rely on? Definitely not your heart. I did that a couple times, and well...FAIL. I can't rely on my gut because usually it tells me to listen to my head hahaha

hence, I've once again come to the conclusion: rely on God. Somehow, someway, I know he's going to make known to me everything I need to know. I think that's the only way I stay sane hahaha

On another note, football practice started up again! :D I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to stop playing because I'm married and pregnant or something. It's seriously the best stress-reliever I have all week!

Long Time No Blog...

2009-09-11T11:13:00.000-07:00

I've been home for more than a month now. The month of August was such a huge blur. My advice to anyone thinking of going on missions: don't vacation or travel after you return; give yourself at least 2 weeks to recuperate and rest.

It's definitely a lot harder to integrate what God has shown me. I'm once again stuck in that rut where I have responsibilities that demand my time. I find myself struggling to make time for God. Interestingly enough, though, He's making the time for me! haha I was supposed to eat lunch with a friend on Monday and have a meeting with an adviser on Tuesday, but both got canceled.

I'm not sure how I'm juggling as many things as I am. Full-time student, working 20 hours a week, tutoring, Recomm, Small Groups, Leaders' Meetings, studying for CSETs, friends, family....who said that you only have 2 hands? lol But here is a list of things I've come to realize in the past month, in the case you're interested.

God opens doors, so He can close them, too.
Simply being organized isn't going to cut it. I must be dependent on God.
You can be excited for something, but to pull through it, you must have passion.
I'm not dating until I'm 23.
Everything I do is truly not done by my power or skills. Rather, it is by God's grace.
God REALLY does use your weaknesses hahaha
There must be no regrets, no misgivings, and no dwelling on the past.
It's good to be a little mysterious.
Your hair will listen to you better if you perm it HAHA
Metacognition is a lot more prevalent in my life than I originally thought.
Desperation to not burn out will bring you to your knees.
Fear is a good motivator, but not the healthiest psychological motivator...

Post-Debriefing

2009-08-02T01:23:00.001-07:00

My testimony is not complete, but I have a much better idea of what God wants me to share with my friends and family at home after two days of reflecting and readjusting back to America. I miss Japan. I miss those children I grew to love and the church members from this year and last year's mission trip. When I sit back and think about it, I am truly blessed. Why, Lord? Why have you chosen me to experience such a life-changing month? Twice?! Who am I, that You chose me? How can I share all that is in my heart with those around me?

Integration is the goal. I will not let the patterns of this world make me forget all that I've seen and experienced in Japan....

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life...
to know and follow hard after You

to know and follow hard after You
to grow as Your disciple in Your truth
the world is empty, pale, and poor
compared to knowing You, my Lord
lead me on, and I will follow hard after You...

Home

2009-07-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

After a month of missions in Japan and a very long plane ride, I am home!

I'm still having trouble putting into words what I experienced in Japan. People keep asking me how it was, and the only thing I can think to say is, "It was soooo good!" Debriefing begins in roughly 12 hours. I hope by the end, I'll have written up a testimony that conveys what I feel God has placed in my heart over the past month...